The Deeper End of Chaos

Well, I tried.

2012-01-21T13:53:00.000-07:00

I started another blog to try to motivate myself to post something every day. It was supposed to be a "blog like jazz" thing, just whatever came to mind. For whatever reason, those posts took the form of fiction stories that I couldn't seem to make work. Why? I don't know. But it didn't work. I wasn't motivated and I didn't write.

So I'm back to this blog, not that I ever abandoned it. This remains my main place to publish those big thoughts and issues that seem to get stuck in my head. And of course I will still occasionally publish on my family blog, all those pictures and goodness of my kids.

My problem today is, I can't think of anything. I'm in one of those moods where I feel "I should update my blogs". So I go to my blog, I open a new post, and I stare at the blank whiteness and nothing comes to mind.

Blank. Blocked. Empty. I have no ideas.What should I write about? I don't know. Right now, right this moment, I'm not feeling anything is worthy of writing about.

What does that say about me? About the world? About the state of things in my reality? Lately I've been consumed with a family issue, my health continues it's yo yo-ing thing (and the downs get to be really bad sometimes), my house needs a level of help I'm not able to provide, and honestly there is just too much going on in my corner of reality for me to care about issues of politics, condition of the world, or anything I see on facebook.

Is that bad? I would really like to share what is going on, but at the moment a lot of it is still personal. And some of it I am still violently angry about and it's probably best not to vent all that venom here. Once I've processed it better, I'll share. With permission of those involved, of course.

I am Pro-Choice Because I Don't Know What Else To Be

2012-01-07T11:43:00.003-07:00

This is probably going to cost me, posting this. There are some friends I have that won't be so any more. There are many at my church, that, if they should read this (they probably won't) might ask me to the door. But I don't care. There are things I need to say.

I am a Christian, and I am Pro-Choice. No, that is not an oxymoron. Seriously, you can be both. Let me explain.

I don't like death of any kind. I think life is important, sacred, and should be preserved. Whether it's a baby in the womb, an AIDS victim, or a 98 year old great grandmother with Alzheimer's, we need to do everything we can to protect, preserve and heal those lives.

I don't LIKE abortion. If anyone claims they LIKE it, that person should be put away in a rubber room. No one LIKE death or blood or violence. But these things exist in our world. Even those who make money off of selling weapons and such will tell you that, if the gun they sold was pointed at their own head, they wouldn't like it so much.

And while the phrase is "Pro-Choice", I don't LIKE the choice. I don't like that there has to BE a choice. I don't like that a teenage girl or a woman living in poverty or even a successful business woman has to make a CHOICE about what to do with their unborn child. I don't LIKE that there exists situations where a woman has to choose between the relationship there are in or their baby, keeping a minimum wage job with no benefits and a baby, keeping their hard earned success and a baby. I don't like that we live in a world where unwed mothers are stigmatized and ostracized and a choice has to be made.

But that is the world we live in.

Now at this point we could start arguing facts and figures. Figures about how many loving parents are waiting for babies to adopt, or how many women died from illegal abortions before it was legalized, or how many women are able to successfully juggle kids and careers, or how many unwanted children are mistreated, abused and sick, how much taxpayer money is used to perform abortions, how much medical research can be advanced, and on and on and on. But I'm not writing about facts and figures. I'm not writing about how bad the act of abortion is or what would happen if it suddenly became illegal (my opinion is that it would be bad and bloody, but that's another post), or the benefits of keeping it legal.

What I'm talking about is us, the people of the world, all of us everywhere that have built ourselves a society where such a thing as abortion can even exist. That there can be even one woman, somewhere, anywhere on the planet at any time, who has to face that choice, that has to find out she's pregnant and think "Oh, God, what will I do now". How have we come to that?

And what can be done about it?

I don't have answers to either one. At least not on a "OMG that's the answer for the whole world" scale.

What I do know is that suddenly stamping the word "Overturned" on Roe v. Wade solves nothing. It doesn't solve the issue of 'unwanted pregnancy'. Electing a President or Congress-person because they will "end abortion" is not the way to go. Cutting off taxpayer money funneled to Planned Parenthood doesn't make it stop. Making the act of ending a pregnancy illegal doesn't touch the root of the problem - the fact that an unwanted pregnancy could even exists.

But it's a start, you might say, chop the head off the dragon and eventually the rest will die.

I respectfully disagree. Like the mythical Hydra, this dragon will just grow more heads. And more. And more. The only way to slay the dragon is the heart.

And the heart of this problem is not ending abortion, it's making it UNNECESSARY.

And how do we do that?

I don't know. And that's why I'm pro-choice. Because I don't know what else to be. I don't have any answers. Oh, I have opinions, ideas, things I can do, like educate my children, talk to the boys and girls in my life, at my church, my nieces, nephews, and grandchildren and TEACH them how not to cause an unwanted pregnancy, but that's not a solution. And no guarantee that any of those kids will actually listen to me.

Until there is a sweeping change in society, where every pregnancy is wanted (whatever form that may take) we all must act in love, peace, and compassion for our fellow woman (and man). Until we stop judging the pregnant woman for getting pregnant, then judge her again for her choice, then judge her again after that choice is made - until there comes a time when there doesn't have to BE a choice, then all we should do, all we MUST do is act in love.

Everything else feeds the dragon.

Misanthrope

2011-12-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

People who know me know that I am not a people person. I love humankind in general, I want the best for our species and hate to see anyone suffer in poor health and poverty. I love my family and my kids and want them to have the best in life and have the opportunity to shoot for their dreams.

But I just don't do well with real people in real life. Even at big family functions, with my mom and other family members at her house for a barbecue (for example), I feel awkward and weird and just want to go in the other room and read a book. Alone.

I communicate much better in text than I do with my voice. Even talking on the phone is a challenge for me, the words just don't come out of my mouth as well as they do out of my fingers. Facebook, Twitter, and my blogs are my main forms of communication, and were I feel most comfortable being myself.

I know there are some who feel offended by that and I'd say I'm sorry, but it's how I work, how I function. It's who I am. Especially as my disabilities worsen. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to talk to people. Even something like Skype, video-phone over the internet, holds no interest for me.

So please don't be offended if I don't call. Or Skype. Or even chat. I'm just not good at conversation. I'm not good at potlucks or get-togethers or parties. It just doesn't work for me.

I will, however, gladly talk through email, Facebook, Twitter, blog comments, and so on. Heck, I'll even write you a letter and send it through the mail (though getting to the post office is often difficult, since I can't drive) if you'd like (it will be typed, however, since my handwriting, bad to start with, had pretty much become illegible).

I am a misanthrope. I embrace it. It's me. It doesn't mean I hate people, it doesn't mean I have some kind of disease. I just don't do reality very well.

Christmas is here. The time has come...

2011-12-18T16:16:00.001-07:00

The Day Before The Night Before Christmas (Or What the Heck Is Going On Here?)

2011-12-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Author's note: Lately I've been plagued by the desire to write and create, but left without the inspiration for what to do. So I've been throwing it out there to the Internet to give me some ideas. Crowd sourcing. This idea actually came back to me from my lovely wife (yes, the Internet is the only way we talk most times).

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'Twas the day before the night before Christmas. School had been out for a week and Dad was ready for the holiday break to be over. Or to send the kids to visit their Grandmother in Nebraska. Or to take them out in the desert and make them find their way back home.

The morning chaos was already in full swing as his feet met the floor. His left foot landed with an uncomfortable 'squish' on the rug. Sigh. Good morning to you too, Ginger, stupid dog.

Stand. Bones creak. Stretch. Scratch scratch scratch. Mumble. Stumble to the bathroom.

The chaos had become a full blown party by the time he found his way to the kitchen for coffee. The anticipation had been building in the children since the first of December and now it was at it's screaming peak. Mr. 6th grade has decided to make pancakes, but not any pancakes, pancakes in Christmas shapes. Santa was currently in the pan, burning to a blackened lump, smoke pouring out of what should have been his mouth. Miss 4th grade was trying to strangle Mr. 6th grade over a disagreement about which Pokemon would beat Superman. Mr. Kindergarten and Miss Preschool were each rooting for their favorite Pokemon in the fight, while also flinging butter and syrup at the battling duo.

Miss 7th grade, who had developed an allergy to mornings since break began at the beginning of the week, was feigning sleep on the couch in the adjoining living room. Mr. and Miss College were still sleeping, as usual. It would be past noon before those two made an appearance.

Rather than break up the fight, and thereby not learn which Pokemon would win the fight, Dad simply turned off the stove, put out the fire, and poured himself a cup of coffee. Three sips later he was awake enough to realize the coffee was left from the day before and wasn't only ice cold, but also had spaghetti in it.

He did the only thing he could do: pick out the noodles and warm it up in the microwave.

It was on this scene of smoke, butter, syrup, blood and screaming that Mom entered.

As if by direction, the cheers, jeers, and screams of pain stopped. A pat of butter fell from the ceiling where it had been stuck and landed at Mom's feet. Mom didn't say a word. Neither did she look at the children. Her eyes, like flaming daggers were locked on Dad. If looks could kill, Dad's head would not only have exploded, but would have damaged several square miles and left the soil unfit for farming for centuries.

Without a word, Mom simply poured herself a cup of spaghetti coffee and returned to the bedroom.

It was decided then that Superman could beat any Pokemon and that maybe it was time to clean up breakfast and do some chores before it got too late in the day.

Ah, Christmas Eve. Such a great time for relaxation and quiet reflection. It's a shame that Dad has yet to experience a quiet and relaxing Christmas Ever. At least not since he became a dad.

The biggest challenge on Christmas eve day is always "how do we entertain the children?" Make cookies? Cut snowflakes out of copy paper? A new Christmas movie? Do we dare take them out of the house? Usually the answer to how to entertain ended up being the long discussion of what to do and running out of time to actually do anything. It had become a time honored tradition that was sure to be practiced for many years to come.

Little did anyone know that this Christmas Eve would be unlike any before, and one they would never forget.

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What should happen next? Post your ideas in the comments! I'll write the wackiest one!

Best Christmases Ever

2011-12-06T14:14:00.001-07:00

What was your best Christmas? We can probably each name several that are in our top 10 (if you're old enough, able enough, to remember 10 Christmases). But for us who are middle age or older with adult kids, and probably grandkids, we tend to put Christmases into different categories and in each category we have a favorite.

Let me elaborate.

There are the Christmases of our childhood. For most of us, those memories are filled with images of toys and or candy and piles of wrapping paper and lights and all those magical things we associate with Christmas morning.

Then there are the Christmases of our early adult life. From about the age of 16 (or whenever you got your license to drive) until you're married with children. These Christmases are the ones you brought your boyfriend/girlfriend to meet your parents, or you went to his/her house to meet their parents. Or you skipped visiting any relatives to be with each other. Or maybe you were alone and you were the not-quite adult enough person at the dinner table where everyone else was talking about married life and children. Or you were totally alone, spending Christmas in an small apartment or dorm watching old movies on TV. Maybe you had to work.

Then there are the Christmases of you later adult life. You're married with kids, and suddenly the toys and candy and piles of wrapping paper and lights and other magical things are back, only you are seeing it from the other side, as if you've passed through the looking glass and you are seeing yourself in the faces of your children.

When you are thinking and talking about your favorite Christmas, you can't really place one from one category over another from a different category. It's as if each category represents an actual different holiday and there is no way to compare them.

So I'm going to share my top three Christmases. One from each category. Please, join in the discussion in the comments.

My favorite Childhood Christmas

I was a child in the '70s and '80s. The things I remember about Christmas are Star Wars toys, dinner at Grandma and Grandpas, and sometimes getting in trouble sliding down the stairs at their house.

Being in my mid-40s now, and generally having memory problems because of my neurological issues, a lot of those Christmases kind of blur together into one big warm fuzzy. My mom always made sure that whatever was going on, Christmas was awesome. And most of the memories I have of my grandparents house are Christmas memories. Fire burning, decorated live tree (that I was allergic to and couldn't be close to for very long), grandpa running his movie camera with the big lights, driving home late afternoon full of turkey and potatoes and pie, drifting to sleep as the sun goes down in the back of the car...

Anyway, what I'm saying is that my favorite Christmas may not be an actual Christmas that happened but rather an amalgam of a few different Christmases that have become befuddled in my head. So here goes.

It was Christmas even night. The kids at our little village United Methodist church always put on the Christmas play. Most years I was a wise man or a shepherd, dressed in a bathrobe with some itchy piece of cloth on my head. If I ever had a speaking part, I don't remember. This particular year was like the others, all of us kids on the stage trying to not fidget and failing miserably. But what I remember is that after the play all the kids lined up along the walls of the church with lit candles as all other lights were put out. When the chapel was lit only by candles and the kids were in place, everyone sang Silent Night to end the evening. Afterwards, we'd have a little party for the kids in the basement. Santa always stopped by our Church before going on his toy-delivery to make sure each of us got some special attention from him. He'd always have little gifts for us, usually a little plastic snow globe of the manger scene and peanuts, still in their shells, in a brown paper sack.

As we were leaving the church, they would ring the bell. This was back in the day what churches still had bells and were allowed to ring them. When I was littler, I thought they were signalling the reindeer to come pick up Santa. When I got older I learned it was to welcome the newborn King.

Most Christmases we'd be allowed to open one present Christmas eve night before we went to bed. I don't really have a clear memory of any of these presents, but I do remember the feeling of kind of "getting a fix" so that it was easier to sleep through the night. But also of simultaneously feeding the addiction, making me want more, to skip the sleeping part and go right to the morning after Santa came to our house.

My brother and I shared a room until we were in our teens. After the present we'd get our pajamas on and crawl into our bunks, him on the bottom, me on top. We'd sometimes talk, usually argue, in whispering tones about the presents we just opened and strain our ears to listen for hooves on the roof and jingling sleigh bells.

The house we lived in didn't have a fireplace so we were convinced that Santa had to get down off the roof somehow so he could come through the front door. Our door, especially the screen door, made a very particular sound whenever it was opened that could be heard anywhere in the house. I never asked, but I'm pretty sure that 'Santa' sometimes made a big production of opening the door after my brother and I were in bed just to strike a little fear into our hearts because we were still awake when he came!

I was a Star Wars geek when I was a kid. The original came out when I was 9, and for the next three or four years (and at least a little every year since then), every Christmas was a Star Wars Christmas. Santa and my parents set me up good. When my collection was complete (or at least as complete as it would get) I had just about everything. I even had a couple of rare and collectible figures. Did I keep these in their packages and mint condition? Heck no! I played with them! I played the CRAP out of them!

This year that stands out the most because this is the year I got the Death Star play set. This thing was freaking awesome. It was built like a carved out section of the sphere, but it had everything. It had the garbage masher, complete with foam garbage and rubber monster, it had the control room, it had an elevator, it had the retracting bridge Luke and Leia had to swing across, it even had a photon cannon that an X-Wing could shoot at and make explode!

I don't remember much else about that Christmas, I don't remember going to the grandparents that year, though I know we did, or much else. There is one thing that stands out even more than the Death Star as my favorite Christmas memory. I'm not even sure it happened on that day, but it's still my best childhood memory.

I don't talk a lot about my father these days. In all honesty, he was never really part of my life. When we were kids he always worked nights and spent his weekends in the garage. He drank a lot. We could get into a whole discussion about how he was working hard to provide for us and all that, but that's not what I want to discuss here. My point is, I only have a couple of memories of doing something just me and my father. And this is one.

I was playing with my Death Star on the living room rug. My dad was watching something on TV and just kind of napping in the chair. Pretty sure he wasn't paying much attention to me. I was sitting there, making my pew-pew sounds and re-enacting the dialog from the movie, but with my own rewrites. In my story on this day, the aliens from the Cantina scene had invaded the Death Star and the troopers had to fight them off. Somehow, Hammerhead made it all the way to the cannon and Vader was forced to push him down the elevator shaft.

From the chair I heard my dad laugh. Just a chuckle. But it was then I realized he was actually paying attention to me and not the TV. As I sat there and played for a while longer, he would make an occasional small suggestion. He didn't get down on the floor and play with me, but he played with me in his own way. Best playtime ever.

Favorite Young Adult Christmas

I wasn't on my own for very long when I went off to college, if you can call college being "on your own". It took me less than 2 months to find the girl of my dreams and fall madly, hopelessly in love. I've spent 25 Christmases with her (well, including this upcoming Christmas) and never want to have one without her.

But our first Christmas together is probably the most memorable.

We'd only been dating about 2 months. Technically we were already engaged (I proposed to her after 10 days), and our wedding would be in December the next year. We were together all the time at school and there was no way we were going to be separated over the holiday break.

So I took her to my family Christmas functions and I went to hers.

We were so stupid in those days. All we wanted to each other, every minute of every hour. I clung to her like a static charged sock just out of the dryer. I was awkward, nerdy, needy, and just downright creepy. Yes, creepy.

What stands out most this Christmas was the reception I got from Anna's grandfathers. We spent Christmas eve night at one of her grandparents house, with everyone on that side of the family, then Christmas day at the other grandparents house, with everyone on THAT side of the family. And I mean everyone. Christmases at my grandparents house were big, but our family wasn't nearly as big as either side of Anna's.

I was just kind of lost in the crowd. Between cousins and their spouses/boyfriends and aunts and uncles with all their kids and everything going on, I fully expected to just be a fly on the wall at both gatherings, and I was 100% OK with that. I'm not good around people, I just don't function well in social settings, and I was especially bad at it when I was 19. I was totally cool with just leaning against the wall and staying out of the way.

But at both gatherings, Anna's grandfathers, amidst all the craziness going on at their houses, not only sought me out to talk to me, but went above and beyond to make me feel like part of the family. All they really did was talk to me like an adult, something only my own grandfather had done before now.

And they made me participate. For example, on the Waite side of the family, Santa always filled special stockings for all the grandkids and distributing and opening those stockings was a highlight of the day. When the time came, I thought I could just get out of the way and let the cousins have their fun. But no. Santa had a stocking for me too! It was just filled with candy and cookies from the kitchen, but Santa remembered me at their house.

Both Anna's grandfather's are gone now, but they always made me feel like I had always been a part of their families and not just a guy who married one of the girls.

Favorite Parenthood Christmas

I hesitate to put anything in this section, since I will always be a parent and I have many many more years (hopefully) ahead of me to acquire Christmas memories to share with my adult kids and grandkids and (God willing) great grandkids.

But the ball is already rolling, so I may as well finish this blog post with a bang. (or at least finish it!)

While there are many great stories of Christmases as my older kids growing up, and really cute stories of my younger kids just a short while ago, I'm going to have to go with Christmas 2007.

It was our first year that we celebrated Christmas in a house of our own. We went totally insane with the decorations. Have you seen the movie Elf? It was like that, paper snow flakes everywhere, lights like crazy, it was awesome.

Honestly, there's nothing super spectacular that stood out that year, no disasters or anything like that. Just the complete relaxed happy feeling of spending a Christmas in the first place we could truly call our own. (Yes, it was also Miss R's first Christmas and Mr. L was so painfully cute playing with the nativity set under the tree, and there are tons of great memories about that year, but no gift beats truly being home, with your kids, for the holiday.)

And it's one of the more relaxed holiday's we've had. Previously, I had always worked in retail and while I had the day off, I always had to be in early the next day for returns. Soon after that year, our eldest would be off getting married and having her own family, the next two would also graduate and be in college. My wife would also go back to school. So no Christmas since has been quite as relaxed and laid back as that one. We're hoping to try to recapture that this year, as we have every year since, but the realities and stresses of life and school and kids just doesn't seem to want to cut us a break.

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So there they are. My favorite Christmases. What are some of your favorite Christmas memories?

My "99%" (or "53%" or whatever they're calling it) Story

2011-10-26T22:41:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've blogged. That's mostly because the "word putting together thing" in my head just isn't cooperating lately. So if this post turns into a rant and ramble, you'll have to excuse me. But I kind of felt I had something to say.

First of all, let me say that I don't fully understand the Occupy movement. There are so many voices on both sides saying so many different things. However, I think (just my opinion) the fact that it has become a movement says something in and of itself.

On the one side you've got people saying "I can't find a job". On the other you've got people saying "go get a job". Some are saying "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" and others saying "I don't have any boots". Some that claim the "1%" is hoarding their cash and ruining the economy, others saying the "53%" are the only ones who have a right to complain. Some say they are working 3 jobs to make their American Dream come true and other saying "how is that the American Dream?"

I know there is probably a clear line in there somewhere, but I'm currently not truly interested in investing the energy into figuring it out right now. Not because it's not worth figuring out, but because my personal energy is needed in other areas, like just getting through the day.

In the strictest sense, I am part of the "99%". I am certainly not among the wealthiest 1% that, allegedly, controls most of the money in the United States (and since we are still the wealthiest country in the world, they also, apparently, control the wealth of the world.) But I'm also, in all likelihood, one of those that the 'talking heads' would tell to "suck it up and get a job."

In many ways, I have achieved my American Dream. I have a fantastic, loving wife, I have a house full of kids, I have two TVs (not flat screen, but still working great), I have a computer (a few, in fact, though they are low-end, off the shelf models), and every once in a while I find a DVD I like in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.

But by other people's standards, I have failed to reach my dream. I went to school for Computer Science, worked for about a year living that dream before the dot-com collapse in 2001. I was never able to get a job in that field again. I had to quit school when I was 20 and didn't go back until I was almost 30. I worked dead-end jobs before that. After my IT job died I took a job at Wal-Mart and ended up working in retail management.

Then I got sick. I've written a lot about what is wrong with me and I won't re-hash it here, except to say we still don't have a name for what is wrong with me let alone any treatment or cure.

I now draw Social Security Disability and use Medicare.

For a good portion of my working life I was among the 53% (which defines itself as "the 53% of Americans that pay income tax). It wasn't until I had more than 3 kids that my income didn't keep up with the deductions I was able to take advantage of. Coincidentally, that was about the time I went back to school. During most of that time I worked a paid internship. (I also racked up huge dollars in loans.) After that, I was making more money than I ever had before. I had, in a sense, pulled myself up by my bootstraps.

I started working for the phone company as a computer programmer at the beginning of 2000. 6 months later the company was taken over by another and 50,000 people were laid off. The department I worked for was eliminated. I was able to work briefly for a guy at my church, then 9-11 happened and a lot of small companies couldn't hold on.

I went to work for Wal-Mart as a photo lab tech. That sounds more glamorous than it really is since I was really just a cashier who shoved film into a machine and collected pictures on the other. It paid minimum wage (Wal-Mart didn't really care about any experience I had, "everyone starts at the bottom" I was told - which of course isn't true, but whatever.) But, since I did my job and didn't pick fights in the lunch room (which was more common than you'd think) I quickly got a raise, then a promotion to photo-lab supervisor, then manager of the photo lab at the Sam's Club next door. (Sam's Club and Wal-Mart are the same company, if you didn't know that.) Even then, I wasn't making much money. Being a manager at that company didn't mean they paid well.

Times were hard. We depended on the generosity of people in our church to help us get by. With preschool age kids at home my wife couldn't find a job that paid as much as daycare would have cost, let alone bring in anything. My hours were really sucky and I was rarely home. We were, by all accounts, in poverty. Deep in poverty. The bootstraps I had pulled myself up with were gone, we had to make the boots into soup.

Try as I might, in spite of my experience and glowing references from former employers, I was not breaking back into the tech field. We lived near Denver at the time. On top of the thousands let go from Qwest, other companies also had huge layoffs. I was competing in a job market with guys who had 20 times more experience than I had.

So I embraced the retail job track I was on. Well, not so much a track as I'd hit the wall where I was and started putting out resume's looking for careers in retail rather than tech.

Soon I was back in the 53%. Or rather, the income I was making at the time would have put me there except I had 8 kids now and my deductions kept me from having to pay income tax. (Why did I have so many kids in this world and when I wasn't making much money and so on and so forth? That's another story. Ask me again sometime.)

As I said before, I got sick. I loved my job and the company I worked for at the time the illness struck. I would still be working there if I had my way.

So what am I now? Am I the 99%? Am I an honorary member of the 53%, since I 'was' there even though I am no longer? I don't know. Furthermore, I really don't care. That is, I don't care about the labels.

What I do know is that times are hard. Sitting around and whining because you can't get the job you are trained for isn't helping anyone. I also know the frustration of being willing to take ANY job and not getting hired by anyone and the need to express that frustration. I understand and appreciate a system designed to help people and feeling that you need "just a little more to get by" from that system. I also understand people taking advantage of a system when they truly aren't in need and are just being lazy.

The current "Occupy" movement is not a black and white issue as many are making it out to be (on both sides). It's much like the "hippie" (for lack of a better term) movement in the '60s. There were those who knew what they stood for and were very passionate about their position. There were also those who were attracted to a good time and just came to hang out. Neither side fully defined the movement.

I can see the current issues (at least at the level I am familiar with them) from both sides. One thing I am sure of is name calling and finger pointing and over simplifications and overly broad definitions aren't going to help anyone. So stop with your quotes and your charts and go help someone.

A rant. Might get messy.

2011-08-24T13:53:00.001-06:00

Seen repeatedly on facebook. Many many MANY times on facebook:

In America - The Homeless go without eating. In America - The Elderly go without needed medicines. In America - The Mentally ill go without treatment. In America - Our Troops go without proper equipment. In America - Our Veterans go without benefits they were promised. ...Yet we donate billions to other countries before helping our own first. Have the guts to re-post this. 1% will re-post, 99% won't. ***Whats WRONG with this picture?***

Or many variations on this theme. It's gotten to the point where I am ready to start deleting people who post it. Why? Because it makes me angry. Why does it make me angry? Because it is so blatantly wrong.

This post and others like it get propagated because it depends on two things, ignorance and guilt. Ignorance because if you look into the statements being made here, you will see that they are wrong, and guilt because if you don't "re-post" you will be one of the 99% who doesn't "have the guts".

There are so many things wrong in this post that I don't even know where to start. The line "we donate billions to other countries before helping our own first" is a good place to start. Let's compare how much money the US gives to other countries, like Japan when their earthquake hit, to how much we spend on military, food stamps, medicare and medicaid and so forth.

In 2009 (the most recent figures I could find), the US spent 44.9 billion on foreign aid. Meanwhile, we spent 494 billion (more than 10 times more) on our military, 502 billion was spend through Medicare, 56 billion on foodstamps, and finally 93 billion went to Veterans Affairs. (Side note: I do believe we can't spend enough on our veterans and the current state of the Veterans Affairs office is a disaster and needs to be fixed, but right now we're just talking about spending.)

So let's add that up. For just the things mentioned in the facebook post, food, medicine/medical care, equipping our troops, and taking care of our Veterans: 1.145 trillion. Foreign aid: 44.9 billion. Overall spending that year was 3.52 trillion. Doing the math that means 32% was what we spent to take care of "our own" while 1.2% went to "other countries".

If any of the statements in that status are true for anyone, it's only because they are not taking advantage of the resources available to them, or, in the case of our military in the field (the best equipped military on the planet, by the way - the US spends more than any other on our military) they might not have what they need because they are in a war zone and the supply line is cut off. It's not because we haven't spent the money, it's because those in need aren't using what is available to them.

But, you say, that's still 44.9 billion that can be cut from the budget or used to help our own people. Well, yes, we could do that, but at what cost? Japan, for example, when they had their earthquake and tsunami, why did we help them? Look around your house. Look at the expensive things, TVs, game systems, movies, computers. All those things were manufactured in Japan or by a Japanese company. Currently, the entire US economy is supported by imports from Japan. Without Japan, we die. So why WOULDN'T we help Japan?

We live in a GLOBAL society now. We can't ignore our allies in need.

And now I'm going to play the Christian card. So many that have reposted this status classify themselves as "Christian Conservative" or "Conservative Christian" or "Tea Party" which is an extension of the Conservative Christian movement.

Here is what Jesus said was the greatest commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself". Then He also said "a new commandment I give to you, love one another as I have loved you".

What part of "love your neighbor" and "love one another" sounds like "take care of your own first"? Your neighbor is not just that guy next door that you drink beer with, it's that starving kid on the other side of the world that is dying from AIDS.

Do you get it yet? If anything we need so spend MORE on others. We need to stop spending money on guns to shoot our neighbor and spend the money to HELP them.

Let me just finish with this: Whatever you post, on facebook, your blog, Google+, wherever, be prepared to defend it. Don't post something without knowing what you are posting. Know the facts behind it. Know what you believe and stand for it. Don't just cut and paste because you think "Heck yea!", and then be surprised when someone, probably me, attacks it. KNOW THE TRUTH! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

Why I hate the word "Christian".

2011-08-01T21:31:00.001-06:00

Now that I've gotten you attention with that title, let's talk about this.

First, I am a Christian, in the purest form of the meaning of the word. Or rather, I strive to be. The word, from the Greek, means "little Christ". According to the New Testament, it was a name given to followers of Christ in the first century, possibly as a derogatory term. However, followers claimed the name for themselves and even Peter in his writing uses the name. My church calls itself Christian, and I know they would all agree that it is this original meaning that they wish to be the name of our family.

In that sense, in that meaning, I love the word.

But it's what it has come to mean, what the general population sees and feels when they hear the word that I hate. The social and political connotations that have come to be associated with the word, and with the people who claim the title, have obfuscated any meaning it may have carried before.

For example: "If you're not conservative, you're not Christian", "If you're not Pro-Life, you're not a Christian", "If you voted for Obama...", "If you listen to such and such kind of music...", etc. These are things Christians say about each other. What naturally follows is that the rest of the world sees Christians defining these things about themselves and therefore associate these things with them.

But more so, what the world sees is Christians drawing lines declaring a difference between "us" and "them". "Here's us over here, conservative, pro-life, creationist, anti-gay. We're right. There's everyone else over there, they're wrong. Sorry, you can't be Christian unless you follow everything we believe."

Now, I'm not saying that people, all people, shouldn't stand up for what they believe. Social and political issues that you feel are worth supporting, go and support them. Christians too, go support the things you believe in.

The problem is when Christians assume that just because they, and possibly the church they belong to, support a certain cause, that all Christians should support the same cause. They draw a line. Then, to make matters worse, they become very vocal about where the line is drawn. Those in the media spotlight assume they get to draw the deepest darkest lines.

And make the rest of us look like idiots.

What has Christian come to mean? Divisionists.Us versus them. And that is not what it was meant to be.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Love your enemies.

Love each other.

Love never fails.

We should be known by our love.

These are all things the Bible teaches. If there is one thing a Christian must do, if there is one thing that should DEFINE a Christian, it's love.

I'm not talking about the squishy feel good kind of love that we might feel sitting around a campfire with each other, I'm talking about love as a verb. The kind of love that compels you to serve your neighbor, even and especially the ones you don't like. That gross old man on the corner with the messy yard, is he warm enough tonight? Did he have a good dinner before he went to bed? The single mom on the next block, the one everyone says had five kids with five men and now has a drug problem. Does she need some help cleaning her house? Do you think some evening she would let you babysit so she could have some time alone? The weird guy who always seems to wait on your when you go to your favorite place to eat. Do you think he could use an extra $20 that you could leave him as a tip, even though your meal was only $17.50?

And no, you don't get to do this stuff just so you can talk to them about Jesus or tell them what they're doing wrong or even invite them to church. You do it because it's an act of love. That's it and that's all.

If every Christian everywhere put down their picket signs and took off their "I miss Reagan" bumper stickers and just started loving people, I think the world would have a new definition for us.

First and Last (Landing)

2011-07-21T10:36:00.001-06:00

Why do you believe what you believe?

2011-07-19T12:05:00.001-06:00

Disclaimer: I am not an expert on anything. The thoughts and opinions presented here are just that, thoughts and opinions and should not be mistaken for fact except where noted and credited. I've been struggling with this post for quite some time and can't seem to get past it, so here goes. I've tried it from a general "tap dancing around religion" perspective, but now I feel I must face my feelings head on. Hopefully I can get it out of my system.

Why do you believe what you believe? Whether you are a Christian, atheist, agnostic, apathetic, Buddhist, follower of the flying spaghetti monster, why do you believe in what you believe?

Some of you will answer "because it's true", or "I was called", "God found me", "I found God", "I gave up an fairy tales", etc. etc. etc. But what is the true answer? The practical answer? What path in your life led you from thinking about things as you did when you were a child to thinking about them the way you do now?

How did you come to believe what you believe in the first place. I have a couple of theories.

First, we are fed it. Our parents, our teachers at school, if our parents took us to Sunday school our teachers there, groups like Cub Scouts or Brownies and later Boy/Girl Scouts. Our parents, teachers, and leaders told us things. Being children, we accepted the things these authority figures told us.

Here's an example from my school days. I remember very clearly learning about George Washington in fourth grade. Our textbook for 4th grade history was probably 20 years old at the time, which means it had been written in the 1950s. We had a whole lesson on George Washington when he was a boy. And, you guessed it, the chopping down of the cherry tree. Historians now will tell you the story is not true, but as a boy in the 4th grade, if my teacher told me it was true, I accepted it. They wouldn't let teachers lie, now would they?

A lot of what we believe about God and religion comes to us that way, too. If our parents trusted the Sunday School teacher to care for us an hour every Sunday morning, then the kinds of things she showed us on her little flannel board must be true, right?

Now, I'm not saying our parents, teachers, or anyone else in authority over us as children had any malicious intent in teaching us the things they did. There are cases where that has happened, and if it has to you, I'm sorry. But for the most part, parents taught us as they were taught, teachers were doing their jobs, and the churches we went to were teaching what they were supposed to teach. As children we accepted these things, as we were supposed to.

Later as teenagers, things began to change. Some of us, many of us, rebelled against what we had been fed. If our parents "drug" us to church every Sunday, we suddenly refused to go. Rules we had been taught suddenly were "stupid". We began to find our own way.

It's at this stage of life that things we believe started to come to us a different way. Through emotion. We believed we must be in love with that guy or girl because of the squishy feeling in our stomach whenever they walk by. We believed that winning that football game was the most important thing ever after coach's pep talk got us all fired up. We believed that everyone must hate us because of the humiliation we felt when they laughed that time we tripped in the hallway.

Many try to take advantage of the fact that emotion has so much to do with forming/confirming our beliefs. Musicians know if they can elicit an emotional response with their music, they will gain fans. Speakers know if they can elicit an emotional response, they will have listeners. Marketers know if they can elicit and emotional response, they will have buyers. I'm not saying any of these methods are bad, but they can be abused. Especially among teens.

This is where I drift into controversial territory. Churches and other groups have many programs set up to reach out to teens. Weekly group meetings, camps, school campus outreach. (In my part of the country, the LDS church has a "seminary" just across the parking lot from every high school, often with their own gate in the school's fence.) Intentional or not, these meetings and camps involve an emotional element, usually music, that has an impact on teens. Church camps, usually held in an outdoor setting, use elements such as night time camp fires.

I'm not saying that churches are maliciously enticing our children with these things. But think about it. If a group that is known to be a cult were to use these things to attract your child, how would you feel?

This emotional element of forming our beliefs continues into adulthood. But many times adulthood (whether college age or high school) brings my final method of forming beliefs: critical thinking.

Critical thinking is an important skill to have as an adult. It helps us spend our money wisely, it helps us in buying a car or a house. It also helps us to sort the rubbish from the fact in the things that come to us from friends, the news, and other sources. It's at this stage of life we begin considering the things we believe rather than accepting it because it was fed to us or triggered an emotional response in us.

A 2004 article from The Barna Group presents a study showing that 64% of people claiming to be Christian became so before their 18th birthday. The article also stated that an authority figure (parent or teacher) or an event (camp, concert, etc.) was the primary influence in developing their belief.

Adults have beliefs that are harder to change or influence. Much of what they believe has already been formed by methods previously mentioned. But adults are also looking for facts and proof. Before we buy a car, we want facts and proof on the history of the vehicle to be sure it's going to run well for us. Before we buy a house, we want facts and proof that the house is safe, not infested with bugs or mold, and will be a good place to live.

Our religious beliefs as adults are formed in the same way. We want proof. We want someone to tell us the things we are hearing are true. Once our mind is made up, it's hard to convince us of something different.

This brings me to my main point. How many of us have examined what we believe, the good and the bad, before we chose to believe it? Or, now that you believe it, continue to examine it to determine whether you should continue to believe it? How many of us are continuing to accept what we came to believe as children's and teens rather than forming our own beliefs based on our own search, study, and learning?

Belief is a hard thing to change. Once a person believes something, it's very hard to change their mind to get them to believe something different. There are two reasons for this.

The first is "confirmation bias". Confirmation bias is the tendency to reinforce one's beliefs and preconceptions by seeking out information that supports it or to interpret information in such a way as to make it support said belief or preconception. For example, a person believes that everything is the Bible is true. They are called on to discuss the flood of Noah. To prove their point they will use books and articles that support their belief and ignore sources that support the opposite view. In doing so, they are more firmly setting their own belief.

The other is "cognitive dissonance" This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time. Most people dislike this feeling and will discard the thought that conflicts with their held belief simply to avoid this feeling. Using the previous example, the individual discussing the flood of Noah is presented with a piece of information that contradicts one of his points. Rather than investigate to see what the facts are, our person wants to avoid the feeling of his belief being challenged so he simply ignores it or reverts to confirmation bias to show that the information is not damaging to his belief.

The trick is to go beyond these pitfalls and actually challenge yourself to learn about what you believe, or something you have previously rejected, and actually examine it for it's validity.

I challenge you, dear reader, the next time you encounter something that is contrary to argumentative to something you believe, to truly examine it rather than reject it. Read about it. Both sides, even the articles and sources you find challenging to other things you believe. Examine the things you believe now. If you are a Christian, read a book written by an atheist, Richard Dawkins for example. If you are an atheist, read a book written by a Christian, Lee Strobel for example.

Your belief, no matter what form it is, should be alive and active. You should always be growing and not settle on things you "have always believed".

First and last

2011-07-08T14:37:00.006-06:00

I like: Refrigerator Biscuit Donuts

2011-06-15T10:09:00.000-06:00

These are really super easy to make, and are probably really super bad for you, but oh OH so yummy.

I don't know where the idea came from, my Mom can probably tell you, but we used to make these all the time when I was a kid and we have happily carried on the tradition with my kids.

The recipe is simple, turn on your deep fryer to about 400 degrees or if you don't have a deep fryer use a pot and shortening on about medium high until it's super hot.

Take a package of refrigerator biscuits (the kind that "pop" open when you pull the wrapper off) and separate them. Poke your finger through the middle to make holes and stretch them a bit (make sure your hands are clean!) Then drop them into your fryer. After about 15-20 seconds, when they are golden brown on one side, flip them. Another 15-20 seconds and then take them out. Place them on a paper towel to drain. When cool enough to handle, top them however you like. We like sugar and frosting. Sometimes we use cinnamon and sugar.

Then SCARF them!!

Being basically fried dough and sugar, they certainly aren't a treat you want to have all the time, but we do it once every other month or so, just for fun. And since they are fun, I'm not even going to speculate on healthy options. I guess using whole wheat biscuits and olive oil for frying might be a little healthier, but where is the fun in that?

Do you have any family fun food traditions that you share with your kids from your childhood? I'd love to hear them.

I like: The Storyteller

2011-06-08T11:34:00.000-06:00

The Storyteller was John Hurt (now known as Ollivander from the Harry Potter movies), who told stories to the camera, often with comments from his muppet dog, voiced by Brian Henson.

The stories were unfamiliar to American audiences, but were folk tales from Europe and Russia. As the storyteller told the stories, they were acted and illustrated by colorful characters and creatures from the muppet creature shop.

I don't know why only 9 episodes were produced, because it was very well done.

I recently caught all 9 on Netflix and my kids loved them.

This is just one example of the genius that was Jim Henson. There are few people that touch every family in modern homes. Probably only two, Walt Disney, and Jim Henson.

Best known for Sesame Street characters and Muppet Show and movie favorites, Henson also branched out to less "cuddly" creatures. Movies such as Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal are two examples. The Storyteller is another.

While the focus is more on human actors, the influence of "muppet" effects is evident throughout the series. But, as usual with Henson productions, the stories shine through. It's very well done.

This very short lived series from 1988 would fare much better today on a children's network like Nickelodeon or even PBS, though I'm not sure if the cost of muppetry would outweigh digital methods. Check it out if you can, especially if you have little ones.

Yea, so?

2011-06-07T17:27:00.001-06:00

So the pictures I've been posting are probably better off on my Tumblr. I want to keep this blog alive, but I just haven't been inspired to write anything. I'm thinking instead of waiting for some big inspiration, I should just start sharing news and stories that I find interesting.

Yea, I think that's a good idea. Instead of these big dramatic time investments, I'll just start sharing things that I like, and in the process create a blog that will actually give you a picture of what makes me, me.

What do you think?

Gradulationed

2011-06-07T16:50:00.000-06:00

Cuteness

2011-06-07T15:57:00.001-06:00

Wow....The month of May.

2011-05-17T22:01:00.000-06:00

So I haven't posted in a while. Not because I haven't wanted to. I've got a couple ideas kicking around up in my skull. I've kind of been waiting for the Blogger update to roll out, but apparently their promise of "a few weeks" actually means "some time before Armageddon".

So much going on this month. I'm grandfather now. My wife graduated with her associates degree and is only a few classes away from her licsensure. My eldest son graduates this week. Not to mention all the end of year excitement with programs and concerts and so on. I'm exhausted.

Mr. Cellophane (bit of fiction)

2011-03-31T16:13:00.001-06:00

(Rough draft - please give suggestions)

Cellophane

Mister Cellophane

Shoulda been my name

Mister Cellophane

'Cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there...

- from the musical Chicago

Seventh hour was always the worst. Freshman Lit. And Mrs. Ott had the kind of voice that naturally induced sleep. Alex often wondered if she was more suited to working in an insomnia clinic. But then again, she'd put them out of business by curing all the patients.

This week's book was some moldy old science fiction thing, which normally interested Alex, but the language of "The Kings English" could make the most interesting story boring. Then, add Mrs. Ott's voice and you have a combination that makes one want to bash his head against the desk.

"In the final chapter we finally see the Invisible Man for what he was. Can anyone explain the symbolism of the white beard and hair? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?...", the teacher seemed to echo herself for a good 3 minutes before giving up and continuing the lecture.

"The author seems to be saying that...", but she was interrupted by the sudden closing of books, shuffling of feet, and gathering of bags. Students had figured out long ago the very second that the bell would ring. The sudden activity roused Alex from his daze.

Last bell. The best, and worst time of day. Unlike the rest of the class, Alex was not in a hurry to rush into the halls. In fact he dreaded the thought more than sitting through more of Mrs. Ott's lecture. Oh, he was very anxious to leave the school, it was what was between here and the front door.

As everyone who has attended public school can tell you, it's a jungle. Survival of the fittest. For those at the top of the ladder, high school is their kingdom. For those on the bottom, it's a nightmare. Alex, being too small for sports, not rich enough to be popular, and not quite smart enough to be a teacher's pet, was, by every definition, at the bottom of the food chain.

And, in the eyes of those at the top, fresh meat.

TV and movies often depicted bullying as bigger kids stealing lunch money, the occasional shove against a locker, name calling, wet hair from being dunked in the toilet, and sometimes a fist fight that was broken up before the first punch is really thrown. In the end, the victim always overcame their situation and won the respect of his tormentor.

The reality was worse. Much worse. The word nightmare didn't accurately describe it. Monsters were real, in the halls of high school, and they thrived on humiliation and pain.

This week's monster was Tank. Not his real name of course, it was Tom or Terry or something, but nobody, not even the teacher's called him that. Tank had targeted Alex on Monday morning before home room. Alex was trying to slink in the front door of the school and to class without being noticed. But on this particular day, he didn't make it. While trying to stash his coat in his locker, Alex suddenly found himself inside it. The laugh on the the other side of the door was unmistakable.

Tank. He was the current king of the Jocks. Supposedly he had won some state thing, wrestling or something. And in a small town, state championships were the end-all be-all of a person's existence. Those who held such a position ruled not only the school, but the town.

Alex was his new punching bag.

Today, Wednesday, as students were shuffling to the door of Mrs. Ott's room, exactly 5 seconds before the bell, Alex knew Tank was probably just outside the door, as he had been the last two days. Alex hung back, hoping today Tank would give up and wander away after everyone else had exited the room.

As he got to the door, he peeked into the hallway. Left, right, left again. Coast seemed clear. Looking at the floor, holding his books to his chest, Alex tried to run to his locker.

He didn't make it. Waiting, right at his locker door, was Tank.

"Where do you think you're going, freak?", laughed Tank. Alex tried to turn and go the other way, but Tank grabbed him with his huge hand by the neck and drug him into the Boy's Room across the hall.

Alex had learned in Jr. High to observe the attacks on his person from an "out of body" perspective". It seemed the only way he could endure them without losing his mind.

Alex had been smaller and weaker than his classmates since Kindergarten, and as such had always been the victim of those who were larger and stronger. "It's how things are", his mother always said, "it was like that when I was in school. It'll make you a better person if you just accept it."

His father wasn't any help either. "Stand up to them, boy! Bullies will back down if you show them you're not afraid." The one time Alex tried to stand up to a bully, he was awarded with a trip to the emergency room with a broken arm, an eye swollen shut, and a concussion.

When Tank had finished his work, Alex spat the blood from his mouth, recovered his shoe, his torn sweatshirt, and his ruined book and papers. Just another day in paradise. As he went into the hall to his locker, several teachers were leaving their rooms, headed to the teacher's lounge or the parking lot. They saw Alex, or at least they should have seen him. But they either looked through him like he wasn't there, or turned to look another way. They knew. They KNEW, and they did nothing.

Alex left the school by the back door. He had to walk around the building to get to the right street to get home, but it was better than facing the sneers, gestures, and whispers waiting for him at the main entrance. It was 5 short blocks to home, then, if he was lucky, he could slip past his mother watching soap operas and get to his room without being seen. If he was, it would be the usual questions about who did this, what did you do about it, why didn't you tell someone, and on and on and on.

Today, he was lucky. His father worked nights, so he rarely saw him. His mother had left for the evening, bowling or something. His younger brother, a bully in training, would be at Jr. High football practice until after 6. The sense of solitude was at once peaceful and lonely. But only when he was alone could Alex be sure he was safe.

In his room, HE was the king. Slamming the door, throwing his books down, Alex turned on the stereo. And since he was alone, he turned it up. Loud. The screeching guitar and growled lyrics of the heavy-metal song helped to drown out the noise in his head.

Normally, he'd flop on his bed and just let the noise wash over him. But today, instead of stuffing the emotions and pain deep inside, he let them out. Anger, shame, and frustration all boiled up from within, his screams blending with the music. He kicked, he punched, the threw things. It wasn't until he punched the mirror above his dresser and cut his knuckles that he stopped, breathing heavily, tears streaming from his swollen eyes.

Across the hall, in the bathroom, he found Band-aids for his hand. He tired to clean his face, staring at himself in the mirror. "I wish I was invisible", he said to himself. Splashing water into his eyes, he repeated "I wish I was invisible!" Patting the new bruise on his left eye, finally he screamed "I WISH I WAS INVISIBLE!"

"If I had your face, I'd wish that too!" It was his brother. A year and a half younger, but taller, stronger, and every inch a jock. He would be king of the school in a couple years. "Now get out of here so I can take a shower.

---------(to be continued)------

Grumpy Giraffe is Grumpy

2011-03-31T14:18:00.001-06:00

Giraffe, a photo by dadandersen on Flickr.

Test post from Flickr.

A Ramble. A Venting. A Spill the Guts kind of blog post.

2011-03-16T17:19:00.001-06:00

I don't blog much anymore. I really miss it. But most days my head is just screaming in huge Technicolor lightening bolts of pain and I just don't do much of anything. I miss doing just about everything.

At the moment, I'm having a bit of clarity. Or insanity. It's hard to tell which. So I thought I'd try to write. Just write. No set topic, no brilliant ideas, just me, my keyboard, and the voices in my head. (Some of them speak German, at least I think it's German, so we'll be ignoring those for today.)

You might say I've has a lot on my mind. People say that to mean they are going through some difficulty or something, but in my case, I literally have a lot on my mind. My thoughts seem to just run at full speed in 180 different directions all at the same time. It's like when we were kids and we had gym class and the teacher threw a bunch of different kinds of balls into the middle of the floor and said "free play"! Like that, a gym full of kids running amok.

I think some about politics. About how I'm kind of disappointed in our current president that he hasn't had the balls to stand up to the opposition and do what he promised he would do when he was campaigning. I think about how the opposition, in this case the Republican party, has become the laughing stock of the world by letting people like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and James Dobson speak for them. That last one is particularly disappointing as I had great respect for Dr. Dobson and his Focus on the Family organization before they went all political and started using their radio show as a pulpit. (Dobson left Focus in 2003, I don't know if the political turn had anything to do with that, but Focus is much less political now. His new ministry Family Talk, seems, from its website, to continue that political bend.) Dobson was, of course, entitled to do what he wants with his radio show, his organization, and his money, but what used to be a good resource for raising your children and living with your spouse became an ongoing rant about how liberals are the enemy and if you are a liberal, you are evil.

That's not a quote. I don't know if Dr. Dobson ever said anything like that, but that is the tone I got from his politically tainted show the one time I listened to it. And he's not the only one that feels that way. I had a friend, or at least I thought he was, in high school that I hadn't talked to in years turn up on Facebook. We talked Star Trek and high school memories and religion and lastly politics. When he asked me if I was a conservative, I honestly said "no, not in the strictest sense". What I got in reply was a 14 page diatribe about how he is a conservative and as such liberals are the enemy and the enemy must be fought at all costs. And he meant "at all costs", going so far as to imply that the use of deadly force against the president would not only be justified, but applauded. He un-friended me after that.

I don't understand that line of thinking. Nothing is black and white. Nothing is entirely either/or in the strictest sense. Religion, maybe, if you are looking at the broadest definitions of "in" and "not in", but politics, especially, is one big huge stinking pile of grey area. Unfortunately, the powers that be, in the case of the United States that's the Democratic and Republican parties, rely on the ignorance and entertainment-lulled faculties of the average citizen to polarize everyone and keep themselves in power. If people would take the time to educate themselves and vote according to what they truly believe instead of some false sense of "us" and "them", we might all be shocked at how different this country would become.

And speaking of religion and politics.... I mean, seriously people, Christian does not automatically mean Conservative and Conservative does not automatically mean Christian. Too many people are lumping those two together and I don't like it. Especially when movements like the Tea Party lay claim to religion and morality and claim to have cornered the market. Not to mention groups like Westboro Baptist who gladly go around to soldier's funerals to tell people "God Hates Fags" while singing Amazing Grace. Makes my stomach turn.

It's not all black and white people!!! Come ON! THINK FOR YOURSELVES!! Don't let Fox News, CNN, or any other "authority" do it for you. Figure out, for yourself, based on FACTS, not opinions, what you think and feel and love and believe. You'd be shocked at how much happiness that brings to your life.

A few years ago, when I became unable to work, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. Way too much. I've tried filling the time with projects and hobbies and stuff, but as my condition deteriorates, I find things harder and harder to do. So, more and more it's just me and my brain. I've had the time to think through a lot of things that I thought I was sure I was settled on. To my surprise, and my happiness, I've found that many of the things I thought defined me, I didn't really give a crap about. Other things, that I didn't think so important, have become much more so. And the best part about it is, I AM NOT BOUND BY ANY OF IT! I have found I am free to change my beliefs and opinions about things as I learn more about them and I am not OBLIGATED to anything! It's very freeing.

Take for example, the pro-life/pro-choice issue. (I know some people are going to want to fight me on this, but bear with me. I'll gladly talk about it later if you want, but I doubt I will change my thinking.) At one point I honestly felt that since I am a Christian, that I had to be pro-life. It seemed very obvious to me that "killing babies" was evil and thus I should be against it, that I should vote accordingly, and not many other issues really mattered. Today, after some thinking and reading and just generally looking around, I would have to call myself pro-choice. Now, before you go all righteous on me, hear me out. When I say pro-choice, I am not saying "pro-abortion". I don't think anyone, not even the doctors that perform them, would call themselves pro-abortion and say they "like" it. No one likes it. However, the Supreme Court, with the infamous Roe v.Wade decision in 1973, opened a Pandora's box of crap that cannot be closed. Actually, in some ways, it was a good thing, but that's a discussion for another time. My point is, abortion is a reality in our world and cannot, and should not, be instantly outlawed. The repercussions of doing so would be disastrous. No, we must remain a pro-choice society. What we do need, however, is better choices. What we need is a way to stop unwanted pregnancies from happening in the first place. How do we do that? I don't know. But until there is a choice that can replace abortion, we have to live with it. I don't like it, you don't like it. And I will be the one leading the parade when the last abortion is performed and an unborn child is also a wanted child. But until then, I am afraid I have to be in the pro-choice camp.

But guess what? I can change my opinion an hour from now and not feel guilty about it. I am not obligated to hold on to this belief just because I have it now. Free thinking is an amazing thing. Don't let your mommy and daddy or your friends or your church or your television tell you what you can and can't believe. You are your own person, so be your own person.

I wish someone had given me that advice years ago.

If I were to lay out for you how many things I think differently on now than I did 5 years ago, you might be surprised. Or not. I know there are some at my church that might not talk to me anymore if I told them some of the things in my head and heart.

Religion? Do I really want to go there? Well, why not. OK, so the way I understand it, Christianity is supposed to be about "Love your neighbor" and "Do unto others" and all kinds of goodness like that. However, lately, it's become, at least in the eyes of the general public, about "you can't do that" and "I'm rich because God loves me" and "God is on my side so of course I'm right". And even worse, it's about "don't talk to them, they're not one of us". From what I read in the Bible, Jesus Christ spent time with the sick and the poor, and prostitutes and tax collectors. A long list of people who weren't the right kind of people. How can you tell someone about being a Christian if you only talk to other Christians?

Guess what? I have a friend who is an atheist! (*SHOCKED GASPS*) I know right? It's just the most awful thing ever, isn't it? And guess what? That person will probably never change their mind and become a Christian! (*GASPS FAINTING HEART ATTACKS*) And guess what else? That person will continue to be my friend for as long they choose to be. (*THUNKS AS EVERYONE DROPS DEAD TO THE FLOOR*). Sure, I pray for this person, a lot. And they know where I stand. But I am not going to suddenly start putting any kind of pressure on this person to change their mind, nor am I going to stop talking to them because they won't. That's not how people should function. There is no "Us" and "Them" on this planet. Our lives are all interconnected and interwoven and being selfish and bigoted and racist tears that fabric and fucks it all up for everyone else.

Yes, I cursed. Sorry, but I couldn't think of a stronger word.

And that's another tangent I'm about to go off on. Cursing. Out of respect for others, I try to keep my four letter words to a minimum. But sometimes, these things just slip out. I don't like it when others curse just for the sake of cursing. I watched a movie the other night that turned my stomach. The story line was... well a little meh, but the premise was clever, however, any enjoyment I might have gotten out of it was totally overshadowed by way over-using the f-bomb. Real people, even when they use it, don't use it that much. However, that being said, there are times when no other word can serve the same purpose. Sometimes things are fucked and should be labeled as such. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so.

But I'm not going to try to incorporate an f-bomb when I lead prayer at church any time soon.

But people shouldn't worry about being all nicey-nice around others when they really need to let it out. There are things that I feel should be off limits. As a Christian I try not to use the name "Jesus" as a curse, (but that's off limits for me, others should decide for themselves what is off limits), and I try not to curse in front of my kids. Not because it's "wrong", but rather in our society it's frowned upon for a 3 year old to say the word "shit".

It's how people talk in today's society. True, some see it as rude and impolite, but honestly, everyone has heard the words, and most everyone has used the words. I remember my dear sweet grandmother once let out a stream of cursing that would embarrass a sailor. So I say, fuck it, let's curse if we feel like cursing! Sometimes, another word just won't convey it in the same way.

That reminds me of a joke I heard Buddy Hackett (you youngsters will know him as the voice of the seagull in Disney's "The Little Mermaid") say once about cursing. When someone breaks their foot, what are they going to say "spring is here"? No, they're going to say "BLEEPUS H. BLEEP I BROKE MY F***ING FOOT!"

Here's a joke I told my kids:

A teacher was telling her class the story of Chicken Little. "Chicken Little told the cows 'they sky is falling!' But the cows ignored her.Chicken Little told the geese 'the sky is falling'! And they laughed at her. Then Chicken Little ran to the Farmer and said 'the sky is falling!'" The teacher turned to her class and asked "And what do you supposed the Farmer said?" Little Jimmy raised is hand and said "I suppose he said 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"

Ok. enough ranting for today.

Integrate Facebook Comments into your Blogger Blog

2011-03-04T14:14:00.004-07:00

Recently, I read on TechCrunch that Facebook had quietly released an update to their comment plugin. This nifty little thing lets you take the comment system people use when they comment on your status update and apply it to a web page. When people comment on your site, it shows up in their Facebook feed. When someone comments on the post on Facebook, it also posts to the website! I love that. Social networking is all about conversations and what better way to create conversations than to have it across two platforms.

So I got to looking and figured out how to make it work. But what should I use it for? Well, I do have two sites that I manage on a volunteer basis, but I'm not quite sure where to put it on those yet. I also have several blogs (including this one). But adding it to Blogger, using the Facebook system to replace the Blogger comment system is a whole different animal.

So I went looking for help. I came across this awesome tutorial on AllBlogTools.com. (They have many great articles and tutorials there and I highly recommend checking it out.) However, it was originally posted last May and did not cover the new Facebook system that has just come out. But, with a couple of minor tweaks I was able to make it work.

I share the tutorial, with the author's permission, including updates to match the current appearance of Facebook and adjusting for the new comment system:

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About The Author

Max

I'm Max, The founder and the admin of AllBlogTools.com I'm a very big fan of blogging ,design and coding, I think that i'll die next to my computer.

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Edits by this blog's owner appear in green.
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WARNING: If you have facebook like button installed on your blog please remove it before applying this tutorial. You may re-install it after applying these changes.

Step 1. Disable Default Comments.

The first thing you should do is disable blogger's default comments. because you don’t want to have 2 comment forms.

Go to your blogger account, navigate to settings >>comments
and next to the comments field choose Hide, then scroll down and click Save Settings

Step 2. Generate your Facebook App ID.

Now you should generate your own facebook app id, it’s really easy and one step process,
just go to this page, Facebook developers.

If you have not used any features in Facebook Developers before, you may have to verify your account with either a credit card or a mobile phone.

You will not be charged anything to verify, this simply confirms you are a human doing polite human things. Click the link that is appropriate and follow the directions. It may take several minutes for the verification to complete. Then come back to Facebook developers.

You will see the following screen:

Enter your blog title for "Site Name" and enter your blog's full URL for "Site URL".

click Create app

On the next page Facebook will generate you alot of info. you’ll need only one line, it’s App ID:

just copy it and keep any where, we’ll need it in the next steps. please see the following image to see where you’ll find your facebook App ID:

Step 3. Codes To Add To Your Template.

You must add the following codes to your blogger template to ensure that the comments box will work for your blog in the right way.
and in this step we’ll add the following codes,

xmlns attribute
SDK script
Open Graph protocol tags

Adding the xmlns attribute :

Please go to your Blogger account again, and navigate to, layout >> edit html >> and check

Expand Widget Templates
then find the following code,

<html

you’ll find it on the top of your code. second or third line, and after it add the following code,

xmlns:fb='http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml'

you must type a space before it and after it, here is an example:

<html  xmlns:fb='http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml'  expr:dir='data:blog..............2005/gml/expr'  >

Adding the SDK script Code :

search for

<body>

and after it add the following code,

<div id="fb-root">
</div>
<script>
    window.fbAsyncInit = function() {
    FB.init({
      appId  : 'YOUR   APP ID',
      status : true, // check login status
        cookie : true, // enable cookies to allow the server to access the   session
      xfbml  : true  // parse XFBML
    });
  };
    (function() {
    var e = document.createElement('script');
      e.src = document.location.protocol +   '//connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js';
    e.async = true;
      document.getElementById('fb-root').appendChild(e);
    }());
</script>

but please don’t forget to change YOUR APP ID to your app id ( you got it in the previous step ).

Adding the Open Graph protocol tags:

copy the following code.


<b:if cond='data:blog.pageType == "item"'>
<meta   expr:content='data:blog.pageTitle' property='og:title'/>
<meta   expr:content='data:blog.url' property='og:url'/>
<b:else/>
<meta   expr:content='data:blog.title' property='og:title'/>
<meta   expr:content='data:blog.homepageUrl' property='og:url'/>
</b:if>
<meta   content='MY-SITE-NAME' property='og:site_name'/>
<meta   content='http://google.com/help/hc/images/logos/blogger_logo.gif'   property='og:image'/>
<meta content='YOUR-APP-ID'   property='fb:app_id'/>
<meta content='YOUR-FACEBOOK-PROFILE-ID'   property='fb:admins'/>
<meta content='article'   property='og:type'/>

and change the colored text to the following,
Change MY-SITE-NAME with the one you want to appear when a user likes a page. (Gil likes Helping on Facebook)

Changehttp://google.com/…/blogger_logo.gif with your blog logo, or remove the all tag if you don’t want it.

Change YOUR-APP-ID with your application ID number.

Change YOUR-FACEBOOK-PROFILE-ID with your own facebook user profile ID.

after making this changes add the above code just before

</head>

now we finished adding the facebook codes to your template, please don’t touch anything and continue to the next step.

Step 4. Adding the Comments Box to your blogger template.

please find the following code.

<data:post.body/>

and after it, please paste the following code.

<b:if cond='data:blog.pageType == "item"'>
<p align='left'><img alt='' class='icon-action' height='51' src='http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JwD5r652h00/S_K3UAPbbuI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/sZRBQArO34k/comments-facebook.gif' width='331'/></p>
<div><fb:comments  expr:href='data:post.url' width='450' expr:title='data:post.title' expr:url='data:post.url'   expr:xid='data:post.id'/></div><div style='background-color: #f2f2f2;border: solid 1px #cccccc; font-size:10px; padding:3px;width:100%;'> <img alt='' class='icon-action' height='16' src='http://allblogtools.com/imgup/1-2010/allblogtools-blogger-templa.gif' width='16'/> <b><a href='http://www.allblogtools.com/' target='_blank' title='blogger templates'>AllBlogToolsFacebook comments for blogger</a>  brought to you by <a href='http://www.allblogtools.com/' target='_blank' title='blogger templates'>AllBlogTools.com , Get Yours?</a></b></div>
</b:if>

To change the width of your comments box, please change 450 to what ever you want, it’s in pixels, and now please click

Save Template

then check your blog. i wish it looks great and works perfectly.

Demo and Credits.

to see a demo for this comments box in live blogger blog please click here.

please don’t remove my link or name from this widget, i worked so hard to make it easy and simple with this great features. leaving my link, encourage me to provide you with more and more tutorials like this.

I do not know why my blog does not have the full credit provided in my functioning comments, but all credit does go to Max at AllBlogTools.com

Melding Facebook into my blog - and vice versa

2011-03-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post, I'll write up something more later. Today I heard about the newest update to the Facebook comment system for other websites. It's like taking the comments someone makes to your status update and putting it in your blog or whatever.

So, with some trial and error and a little bit of banging the head against the wall, I got it setup and running on this blog. To see it, click the "click here to comment" link below (if you are not viewing this on the main blog, go to http://thedeeperendofchaos.blogspot.com).

That was so much fun, I added a like button.

Check it out. Not sure I like it, but it was fun to put it together.

unable to blog

2011-02-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

no, i'm not neglecting this plog.. lastely i've been having some eye problems.. don't kow it it's related to my disability, though i beleive it is, byt everything is becoming increasingly blurry and it hurts to try to write more than a few words. I have taken to keeping things short and thus have only been posting to twitter and facebook. I hope to be back to writing soon because I have some ideas I want to get out of my head.

Just so very angry

2011-02-12T15:28:00.001-07:00

I'm trapped. Somewhere inside this bloated, hobbling, dysfunctional
body is me. The real me is still in here. I'm the same person I was 10
years ago. 20 years ago. That guy is still here. I'm still here. You
can still talk to me, though sometimes I stutter a bit and often
forget words.

Please don't look at me funny. Please don't talk down to me like
you're talking to a child. Please don't throw out my ideas simply
because they come from this broken frame.

I want to write.

2011-01-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here staring at my blank blog page thinking to myself "I really want to write something". I live writing. I used to do it a lot. Poems, stories, journals. I started keeping a blog (an online version of my journal) long before services like Blogger and WordPress were available. (Unfortunately, the server crashed and many years worth were lost.)

If you look through this blog you will see many attempts at writing. I won't be so bold as to say I'm a good writer, I have no delusions of grandeur, but I enjoy it and I just do it for fun.

But lately, I just haven't been inspired. I haven't found that "thing" that gets the gears turning. So I'm sitting here staring at it thinking, "I want to write, but I can't think of anything". Now I'm writing about not writing.

My lovely wife is taking a writing course as part of her curriculum this semester. That got me thinking about my writing process. Which is, I don't have a process. When something strikes me, I just start typing. Sometimes I go back and make revisions, but most times I just let it flow, even if the idea peters out and I can't find an ending.

Another thing I do is participate in writing RPGs. Unlike video games or table-top games, these games are basically collaborative writing exercises. One plays a character within the world of the story and your characters actions are based upon events and actions of other characters. It's a lot of fun, but it can be limiting.

I'd really like to produce something that is complete, even if it's not any good and never shared with anyone, I want something that's done, like done done. But more complex than your average blog post.

But as I said, I'm uninspired and I might need to refine my writing process to be able to generate something a little more polished. So what should I write about and what's the best way to go about it?

Minty Fresh

2011-01-20T18:00:00.001-07:00

I am not a huge Linux user. I am a big Linux fan, though. I like what it stands for, I like the open source community, and I sincerely believe that it is a better "product" than Windows. By far.

But I am not "huge" into Linux. I've been using it off and on throughout the years, but never really got into the whole "power user" mode. I'm a casual user. Like most people who use Windows, I just want it to work so I can check my emails, see my pictures, and watch monk shots on YouTube.

I've posted here a couple of times about installing Linux. I thought about doing it again, but honestly, installing and getting Linux to run is almost a non-event. It installs way faster than Windows, doesn't muck up your hardware, and normally finds everything it needs to get you up and running.

Today I made the switch from Ubuntu - which is GREAT by the way - to Mint (Debian). The reason I made the switch is because my old Dell laptop is, well, old. Really old. I needed something just a little more slimmed down to meet the limitations of the memory and processor.

Installing Mint took literally minutes. When I last reinstalled window, probably xp, on this laptop, it took a day. A WHOLE day. And I had to reboot and reboot and reboot to get all the hardware drivers installed AFTER windows was installed.

With Mint, I clicked install, walked away for about 10 minutes to make coffee and when I came back it was done. DONE done. No extra drivers to install, no video to configure. Bam. Done. Running. Happy.

I did have to fight a tiny bit to get the wireless internet running. But that was a hardware configuration issue and not the fault of Mint. I went into the bios, flipped a switch, and it was done.

And it does everything windows does. Well, almost. For the average user, you won't need anything else. The Gnome interface looks and acts like Windows. It just works.

I'm still on the lookout for a good video editor. And by good I mean like Windows Movie Maker. Although I wouldn't complain if it was on the level of good that Final Cut Pro is. But this old computer doesn't have the memory to do video processing anyway, so maybe the next time.

To close let me just say, Windows sucks. Long Live Linux. Thanks.

First attempt at HDR

2011-01-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

First attempt at doing HDR. Tree with purple.

Here's the best lit version of the original scene.

Some photo-shooping.

2011-01-16T19:05:00.001-07:00

Here's a picture from Tasha's wedding. Chris and Dagmar of Hippie Boy Design and Photography did a great job and we owe them a huge debt of gratitude.

I wanted to have some fun so I chose this one to play around with:

This is a great picture of the bride and groom. However, the background is a bit distracting. No fault of the photographer, it's just what he had to work with. So I'm going to try and make the subjects pop a little more.

Three things stand out that just need to go. In the corner is a bit of a Christmas wreath, by the brides shoulder is a window frame, and just above the grooms head is a weird reflection that kind of looks like horns.

I use Gimp. It's this fantastic open-source program that does most things that Photoshop does.

Using the clone tool, I simply used elements of the background near the elements I wanted to remove and covered them up.

The next thing I wanted was to turn the background black and white. So I copied the layer, desaturated it, and using a layer mask, trimmed the subject from the color layer.

Then, using the blur filter, I made it the background fuzzy.

Then I cropped it to 8X10.

Here's the end result:

Here's the two side by side:

If you'd like a detailed account of the edits, let me know! I'll write it up.

PS. Here's a third iteration. This one took a little more work. Can you spot the changes?

I'm a bad friend.

2010-12-31T13:21:00.000-07:00

There are many people who have reached out to me in friendship this year and due to my own insanity and eccentricities, I have not returned their friendship in the same capacity.

I'm sorry. If you want to be my friend, you've got to understand that I'm broken. Really broken. Circumstances through my life have left me emotionally burned and scarred. In spite of much of that stuff being in my distant past, it has bent my brain in a way that can't be unbent.

I'm afraid to get close. I'm afraid to open up. I'm afraid to be myself for fear that you will turn away in disgust.

The web gives me a way to be real. It's a shield, a wall that keeps me hidden, yet lets me speak. It should also be a way to connect, but when it comes to seeing my face or hearing my voice, I keep that door shut. Tightly. Why? I don't know. The thought of speaking or video chatting with someone twists me up inside. I fear it. I like being closed behind my wall. It's harder to get hurt behind here.

Even when it comes to forums, I find it hard to participate. I fear that I'll post something stupid. That people are laughing at me. That I will hurt someone's feelings if I share mine. It's happened before. It's safer to keep that door closed too. Sorry.

How can I get past all that? How can I be the friend that you people deserve? Part of me LONGS to be able to talk to people, to be real. But another part of me CRINGES.

If you read this, please don't mistake my psychosis as being uncaring. Just stick with me, ok?

End of year thoughts.

2010-12-28T21:00:00.001-07:00

I got nothing.

The Lazarus Church

2010-12-16T10:35:00.001-07:00

Note from the author: I've stated many times in this blog that I have issues with my church. That I feel I don't belong there, that I feel that because I kind of "stand out", that some there look down on me. While there are a few individuals that still make me feel that way, things have gotten much better. There are a greater number of people who make me feel welcome, wanted and loved. The comments in this blog are just me spewing my feelings and in no way am I claiming that these individuals are "bad" people or less loved by God. The views previously shared here were, and continue to be, my opinions and feelings.

The Lazarus Church - God still brings back the dead.

We joined our church in late 2003. We had moved to the area in pursuit of a better job opportunity and the company that hired me moved us from Denver to the Four Corners area. We wanted a church that believed as we did, and that led us to the church we currently call home.

Our first Sunday at the church looked something like this: There were 4 cars in the lot. The auditorium or sanctuary or whatever you want to call it was fairly large, but greatly disorganized. Chairs seemed to be scattered haphazardly about as if several small groups had met at the same time, then left without putting the chairs back in order. About 20 or so were lined up facing the left side of the stage, which, except for the piano and electronic organ, was unused. A music stand was placed on the floor in front of the stage facing the chairs.

The preacher was an unpaid volunteer, a member but not an elder or part of leadership structure of the church. Attendance that morning was 18. 8 of which was me and my family.

At the time, I didn't know the history of the church. Obviously, this wasn't a new church. The few in attendance were well into their 60s and older. The building was relatively new and belonged to the congregation that used it.

What I saw was the dying gasp of a church. A body that obviously was once alive and active had dwindled to a small handful of faithful (or stubborn) members that, due to age, were no longer able to perform the mission of the church.

With a lot of prayer and maybe a touch of sympathy, we decided to join. Our feeling at the time was that this church needed us. It needed someone new to keep it alive and running.

I won't go into the issues that our church was having. I still don't really understand it all. But generally speaking, selfish leadership, entrenched politics, and an attitude of "we've always done it this way" led to several bad choices. In the end, growth was stunted and slowly the body was dying off, in many cases, literally.

Fast forward 7 years. Politics and posturing have finally been given the boot. Instead of 5 cars in the lot, there are 30. The chairs are ordered and full. More chairs are placed in the back to handle the overflow. The music, instead of slow and somber, is bright, flowing, and joyful. The auditorium is bright and clean. The stage is clear, making room for the energetic preacher to wander and gesture and teach. The average age of members (if you don't factor in the growing number of children) is 30 something instead of 60 something.

What made the difference? I could point to several factors that, taken together, have made a difference, but in the end there's really only one explanation: God showed up. We are Lazarus. Once dead and called to come forth from our tomb.

God still does miracles.

Today's offering thought

2010-12-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

The preacher asked me to do the offering prayer in church this morning at the last minute (literally as I came in the door). A Bible story immediately came to mind, I shared that and spoke from the heart. A lot of people seemed to really like what I said. I don't take any credit, it was totally a God thing, but I thought I'd jot it down.
------------
For our offering prayer I want to share a little story. You all know it, the Gospel writers all made a point of sharing it with us. This is from John chapter 6 starting at verse 5:

When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.
Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”
Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”
Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.
When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten. (NIV)

Now the bible doesn't tell us what happened to that little boy, but I always think it's funny to imagine that after everyone had eaten their fill, they didn't know what to do with the leftovers so they gave them back to the boy. And here's the little boy struggling to carry home 12 big baskets full of food! I think that's a great reminder of how, even when you are small and you have little to give, the Lord can do very much with it.

Some of you have been coming here for quite a long time, you remember a time when Sunrise church was very small. My wife and I were saying this morning that there was a time when we'd pull in the parking lot and we'd be happy to see 5 cars in the parking lot because that meant we had a lot of people that morning. Then we pulled in this morning and almost couldn't find a place to park! Through the faithfulness of those few that were here and the little they had to give it's brought forth this, all these people in our church this morning.
I look out here, seeing all of you and it reminds me that even when we are small and we only have a little to give, the Lord can take that and do great things with it.

It's through your giving, through your witness, and through your sharing that this church continues to grow and the Lord has continued to spread here in the Farmington area and the Four Corners.

I'm glad we serve a Lord that can do great things with very little.

Keeping Christmas - By Henry Van Dyke

2010-12-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Blog owner's note: Thought this was worth sharing again.

It is a good thing to observe Christmas day. The mere marking of times and seasons, when men agree to stop work and make merry together, is a wise and wholesome custom. It helps one to feel the supremacy of the common life over the individual life. It reminds a man to set his own little watch, now and then, by the great clock of humanity which runs on sun time.
But there is a better thing than the observance of Christmas day, and that is, keeping Christmas.
Are you willing to forget what you have done for other people, and to remember what other people have done for you; to ignore what the world owes you, and to think what you owe the world; to put your rights in the background, and your duties in the middle distance, and your chances to do a little more than your duty in the foreground; to see that your fellow-men are just as real as you are, and try to look behind their faces to their hearts, hungry for joy; to own that probably the only good reason for your existence is not what you are going to get out of life, but what you are going to give to life; to close your book of complaints against the management of the universe, and look around you for a place where you can sow a few seeds of happiness--are you willing to do these things even for a day? Then you can keep Christmas.
Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and the desires of little children; to remember the weakness and loneliness of people who are growing old; to stop asking how much your friends love you, and ask yourself whether you love them enough; to bear in mind the things that other people have to bear on their hearts; to try to understand what those who live in the same house with you really want, without waiting for them to tell you; to trim your lamp so that it will give more light and less smoke, and to carry it in front so that your shadow will fall behind you; to make a grave for your ugly thoughts, and a garden for your kindly feelings, with the gate open--are you willing to do these things even for a day? Then you can keep Christmas.
Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world--stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death--and that the blessed life which began in Bethlehem nineteen hundred years ago is the image and brightness of the Eternal Love? Then you can keep Christmas.
And if you keep it for a day, why not always?
But you can never keep it alone.

A random story fragment - just ignore

2010-11-01T20:56:00.000-06:00

"Who takes this boy as his apprentice? He has broken his bond to the mage and must be apprenticed in The Ways."

The high school gym seemed like the most ridiculous place to find a bunch of guys dressed up like it was Halloween. A bunch of grown, adult, guys anyway. I had no idea when I joined The Gamer's Guild that this was really what it was all about. I thought we'd sit in some guys basement and roll dice or play video games or just meet up online in one of those MMOs. But no. Instead I get hooked up with the freak show who likes to act these things out in reality.

On cue, a rather rotund individual dressed in what looks like a bear skin rug that was found at the garbage dump (which, indeed, it was), replies "We of the barbarian guild shall apprentice him. We shall help him forget the hocus pocus of the mage and teach him real combat."

At that remark, a bunch of Gandalf look-a-likes waved their paper mache' staffs in a matter that they thought was menacing but was really just stupid.

Why did I stick with this group, you might ask? Well, honestly, I had nothing better to do. My girl had dumped me, I don't have any real friends at work, and there's really no social scene in this town. So these guys are it.

The mage guild leader shoved me toward the "barbarians". They took my staff and handed me a cardboard sword thing that, if it had been made of metal, would weigh a ton. It was bigger than my Geo Metro. Well, hopefully these guys would be more fun than the "mages" who took this thing way too seriously. The barbarians seemed a lot more laid back.

"This concludes the assignment ceremony, let us commence with the feast!"

Now we're talking. This is what I really wanted out of these guys, pizza and beer. (I know, we shouldn't have beer on school grounds, but the head of the rogue's guild was the head janitor. He's in a prayer group with the vice principal so it all works out.) Once these guys are fed and drunk, they're a lot more fun.

"Hold!", called an unfamiliar voice from somewhere, "I call the challenge."

Oh, come on, I thought, this is ludicrous. Can't we have pizza first?

The ranks of the mage guild parted to show where the voice had come from. It was a girl. A girl? I didn't know we had any women in this group! And not only a woman, an attractive woman, in a very flattering costume. Unlike the characters you see in those online games or the fan-art sites, she was covered, no neck line down to the belly button, no metal corset that pushed her chest up to her chin, no leopard skin thong. But while her guise was modest, it was none-the-less very beautiful. I know, I'm a guy, I'm not supposed to use words like "beautiful", but it really was. Black, floor-length, and form-fitting, but not tight. She obviously had it custom made. Must have been expensive. She, herself was stunning as well. Very fit and would be pretty in the face if she wasn't wearing purple contact lenses. She didn't fit at all with the middle-age fat guys that made up this group.

If I had known she was part of the mage guild, I wouldn't have changed sides, I thought to myself.

"I challenge the apprentice barbarian," she said, "for he may reveal our secrets to his new guild."

I mage leader turned to me and asked "Do you know her?" I didn't think much of it at the time and just shrugged, but I'd find out later that he didn't know her either. Nor did anyone in the gym that night.

The guys started to mumble among themselves, some were saying "can we do this later, I wanna get drunk" but most were surprised to be in the same room with a woman that wasn't their mom. Only the guild leaders seemed concerned that a stranger had invaded our "secret" meeting.

Things in my head when the Internet is down

2010-10-25T20:21:00.001-06:00

Tv sucks. Most of it, anyway And the good stuff is replayed on the
Internet anyway. And I can watch it when it's convenient. I miss Hulu.

I don't know anyone in real life. The only people I talk to are on the
web. Without the web, the only conversation I had today was with my 4
year old about Dora the Explorer.

I am way too stressed out. Way. Way. Way. Reality is just hard and
it's becoming increasingly hard to deal with as my mind and body
slowly come undone. Even standing up is getting hard.

I miss driving. I really just want to get in the car and drive. By
myself. Windows down, radio blaring. Not going anywhere, just driving.
For the fun of it. Like cruising on a Saturday night in Lincoln. No
place to go, just going.

I have a diverse movie collection, but I've seen them all. I want
something new. Netflix instant view rules. Even if a lot of the movies
are bad. Bad movies are fun.

I don't listen to enough music. But I don't like much of anything
produced after 1990. Or before 1960. Country music is what pop was in
1980. Pop is just ew. Alternative isn't really alternative. Christian
music, with the exception of a few gems, continues to disappoint.
Often worse than than it used to be. There hasn't been a good hard
rock song since Boston. And most people wouldn't call that rock anymore.

I need to find a way to produce something while I still can. Something
solid and real and not fleeting. A picture or video or something. But
I'm afraid the creative part of me is dead. I just can't find that
spark that motivates me to see something through to the end. It's just
hard to concentrate for very long.

Watching movies about high school makes me feel a weird combination of
nostalgia for what never was and gut wrenching pain for what really was.

I love my wife with a fierce devotion. But I miss what we used to
have. I miss being able to talk to her without it being forced. I miss
having a common interest. I miss having nothing to do and doing it
with her. I hate that she is the only parent our kids have now and
that she has to do everything.

It's 2010. Where is my robot maid, my flying car, and vacation plans
for Disney World on the moon?

I miss sleeping with the window open and having a cool breeze lull me
to sleep. Even when the weather cools, the air here has a raw dusty
feel to it.

Holding a boombox over your head playing a Peter Gabriel song into the
bedroom window has to be the most epic way to try to win back a girl
in any movie anytime anywhere. Not that it might actually work, just
because that's an epic song.

It is possible to be so tired that you can't sleep. And too bored to
stay awake. And to be in this weird state where you feel like you are
asleep, but you're not and then awake when you're not and dreams and
reality blend into this weird thing that makes the matrix look like
Mary Poppins' cartoon chalk drawings.

You can only hit your head on a keyboard so many times before some of
the letters come off.

Just can't take it anymore. I might regret posting this, but....

2010-10-19T09:33:00.000-06:00

Recent events have again brought the "Islam vs. The World" discussion into the spotlight again. The so-called "Ground Zero Mosque" continues to be debated, argued, and protested.

I've made a couple of comments here and there, but really tried to stay out of the debate because, honestly, it doesn't really affect me and I don't have the energy to be able to fight battles that aren't mine.

A couple of days ago, however, I received the most hateful, hate-filled, email from someone I thought was above such things. Someone, as a veteran and a pastor, I thought should have known better. The email, obviously one of those chain letters, but with his own diatribe attached, is so vile that I can't repost it here. But the gist of it was that we should cover the site of the "Ground Zero Mosque" in pig blood so the Muslims won't want it. And more so, we should just throw pig blood at anyone who uses a prayer rug or wears "Muslim" head coverings. (I know, that alone is pretty vile, but the language of the email was just disgusting.)

My dear wife, the kind, loving soul that she is, tried to remind our pastor friend that "They will know we are Christians by our love." His response was "you have no idea" and "they want to kill all Christians" and "maybe instead of telling me off maybe you should do your homework", and various other things that sounded like he'd heard them on Fox News.

Well, Mr. Preacher friend, we have done our homework, which obviously you haven't. I have read the Qur'an and I know what it says. Which obviously you haven't. Here's some things I've found, I will share them with you so maybe next time you will know what you are talking about:

Just like the Bible or any other writing for that matter, context is everything. Taking a word or a sentence out of context, you can claim it means anything. But in context is where it's true meaning lies.

So, mr. pastor man, you say the Qur'an says to kill Christians? Where does it say that? Oh, right here, you might say, pulling up a passage such as 5:51 which says:

"You who believe, do not take the Jews and Christians as allies: they are allies only to each other. Anyone who takes them as an ally becomes one of them – Allah does not guide such wrongdoers.”

But when you read the context, you know, the whole story that this verse is just a part of, you see clearly that it's about a camp of Muslims that is under assault by an enemy that is composed of Christians and Jews (not ALL Christians and Jews, just the "local" ones in this scenario, get it?) In fact, it's not even talking about devout Christians in this situation, but some that are obviously acting like idiots. Passage 5:59, part of this story, says:

"People of the Book, do you resent us for any reason other than the fact that we believe in God, in what was sent down to us, and in what was sent before us, while most of you are disobedient?"

Ok, you might say, but what about 3:85 that says:

"He that chooses a religion other than Islam, it will not be accepted of him and in the world to come, he will be one of the lost."

Well, yeah, that says if you don't believe in Islam you are going to "hell". How is that different from where Jesus said "I am the way, the truth, and the life..."? Obviously Islam will claim to be the only way, just as Christianity does.

Yeah, you say, but what about 2:191 that says:

"...Slay them where you find them..."

Obviously that refers to anyone who is not Muslim! Well, no, mr. pastor man. Again, you haven't done your homework and you're taking it way out of context. The story here is that early Muslims, upon migrating to Medina, were in a battle for their lives. They were fighting just to stay alive. Yes, it says to 'slay them', but guess what? it also says:

2:193 - "...if they cease, let there be no hostility except to those who practice oppression."

In other words, 'when they stop trying to kill us, stop killing them'. The story here is "acting in self-defense" in this particular situation.

OK, smart guy who actually reads, you might say, I've got you this time. 9:29 says:

"Fight those who believe not in God nor the Last Day..."

Sigh, I say, context context context. The verse before is referring to pagans who are trying to attack the mosque. It's about defending their "temple" against an enemy who wants to destroy it. Again, self-defense in a particular battle.

We can go on and on and on. There is a lot of verses in the Qur'an that talk about killing and fighting and destroying. Taken out of context, you can claim they mean anything. But guess what? The Bible has a lot of verses about killing and fighting and destroying, too.

But you, mr. pastor man who went to Bible college (or at least claimed you did), should know that. If I point out verses from the Old Testament where the Israelites were taking the promised land and were ordered to kill every child and woman and animal when they took a city, you would give me a long list of reasons why God told them they could do that. True Muslims will have the same answers for what is in their writings.

The point here, mr. pastor man, before you go out throwing pig blood on innocent people, maybe you should do your homework and actually know what they believe. Should we characterize all Christians by the actions of the Westboro Baptist church (the ones who picket soldier's funerals with signs that say "God hates f**s")? Do you , mr. pastor man, want your church lumped in with them? No. Then neither should you lump all Muslims in with a small group of terrorists.

Ok. Rant over.

In full disclosure, I am a Christian. I do not agree with the writings of Muhammed. However, though I wish everyone could understand and believe as I do, I understand that others have made their choice of what to believe and I feel they should be free to do so and be free to practice the religion of their choice as long as it does not lead to harming other people.

I do not feel that all religions lead to the same god, or the same heaven. I believe Christ is the only way to find peace, forgiveness, and eternal life. But Muslims, Jews, atheists, and all others who have made a conscious choice of what they believe, are not my enemies. We are all children of God, no matter what we believe, and as such I feel everyone, all people, should be treated with love, respect, and dignity.

Yes, I know there are terrorists out there who thump their Qur'an and say they are doing what it says. That they feel they are going to be rewarded with they blow themselves up in a suicide bombing. And I know that many good young Americans have died at their hands. I know that, and am deeply distressed by it. But when you look at what the terrorist groups are saying the Qur'an says, you will see they are making the same mistake my pastor friend is, taking things out of context. And I feel they represent all Muslims as much as Westboro Baptist represents all Christians: not at all.

And, yes, I believe the "Ground Zero Mosque" should be allowed to proceed. They need to replace the one that was inside the Twin Towers. (Yes, there was a Muslim prayer room in the Twin Towers. Look it up.)

Ok, now my rant is truly over. Hate me if you want. I don't care. I'm a Christian, so I love you whether you like it or not!

Eulogy

2010-10-17T14:33:00.000-06:00

I was thinking today, on the way to church. Since I couldn't come to the funeral, my mom said we'd have our own little memorial service when we go home on Thanksgiving weekend for our eldest wedding.

I got to thinking, what could be said at this private service? What could I say?

There is much about my grandfather that I don't know, whole facets of his life that I had no part of. As it should be. When I was younger, I never felt it was appropriate to ask why grandpa walked with a limp, or what his experiences in the war were like. I know he and grandma lost a child, what was that like? These are things that I just never felt I should ask. The seemed too.... I don't know, just not part of things that I should impose upon as a grand child.

What I did know mostly consisted of what could be seen of his life. He liked having family around. He liked Notre Dame football. He seemed to like simple pleasures like playing cards with family and watching TV. He liked to lead a quiet life, at least after grandkids started coming around. I can't remember him raising his voice (though I'm sure he did and I just don't remember).

He served his fellow man. Not just in the war, but he worked for the post office for a while. He spoke rarely of politics, to me anyway.

Telling him that my wife and I were expecting was a hard thing to do. Especially since she wasn't legally my wife yet. All he said was "I see" and then, with a smile "So you're going to be a daddy. Are you happy?" when I said yes he said "That's all that matters." He loved my kids as much as he loved me and my cousins. I wish we hadn't moved so my kids could have known him as I did.

One of the biggest thrills when visiting grandma and grandpa's house was sitting in grandpas chair. Even when I got older, in my stupid teenage years when the only reason I wanted to visit was because he had Cable, it was still a treat to sit in that chair.

Most times when we went to visit, it turned into a card game. I don't know what game they played, I tried to learn once so I could be a part of it, but I just couldn't get the hang of it. So I was always in the other room watching TV while most others were playing cards. I regret that I could never get "in" with that group, but that's just the way it was.

He always gave me money. Some of my earliest memories are of my grandfather handing me a nickel or a quarter. When I got older it was 5's, then 10's, then 20's. Even when I was older and married and working, he still forced it into my hand. I know he knew the value of it, since he had grown up in the depression (though I never remember him talking about it.)

I don't know what he believed religion-wise. I don't think I'd ever seen him in a church except for a wedding or a funeral. It was another topic of conversation that just seemed taboo. I wish I knew what he did believe, if anything. There's a part of me that is just all tangled up about it.

Now I'm just off on a rant. There's a good part of me that's still in denial. It's still not real. It just hasn't sunk in. I just saw him. And yes, he was getting older and had issues, but I never thought it would be the last time I would talk to him.

Just an angry rant. Please disregard.

2010-10-16T20:41:00.000-06:00

You know, I'm just going to spill my guts here. Just going to dump it all out there and let it be what it is. If you want to read this, fine, otherwise I won't be hurt if you ignore it.

I really hate life right now. Really hate it. I hate that I am trapped in this body that doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I hate that my normal state of consciousness is like walking in a fog. A dark, soundless fog where everything I touch doesn't feel real. I hate that I deal with constant pain on a good day and crippling, please-kill-me, pain on bad days and wish-i-had-never-been-born pain on really bad days. I hate that sometimes I have to use one of those motorized buggies at the store and people look at me like I'm some kind of freak, or worse they ignore me and walk right in front of me or push me like they rule the freaking place. I hate that if I want to do anything new I have to go over the same material over and over and over again, even for the simplest thing, just to be able to get through the day, then go over and over the same stuff the next day because it fell out of my head during the night.

I hate that my kids have no respect for me anymore. They see their dad getting slower and weaker and instead of helping me, they ignore me and go and do what they want instead of what is asked of them.

I hate my church. I don't feel like I belong there. I can't connect with people there. The building itself is great, the preacher is good, the music has become really good, and for the most part the people are nice, but I don't have any friends there. I can't connect with these younger couples because I'm too old for them, and I can't connect with the older folks because I'm too young for them. And as a result, I'm just kind of on the outside looking in. And maybe it's just me, but it seems to me that someone should make an effort to reach out a little bit and make me feel like I belong instead of looking at me like the black sheep of the group. Yea, maybe I need a haircut, but is that a reason to treat me like a leper? Yea, I do kind of keep my distance from people, but church is the one place I should feel like I shouldn't have to do that, right?

I hate where I live. I moved to Denver, taking the first job that came along when I was done with college instead of waiting for something local. I trusted it would be for the best. 6 months later, I was let go and ended up working at Wal-Mart just so we could eat. Then I stayed in retail and took a job that brought me here, trusting it would be for the best. 3 years later, I'm disabled and trusting in Social Security to keep us fed. Meanwhile, our families are a thousand miles away and we're not part of their lives. 10 years we've been separated from our families, only making the trip back home this past summer. Now the people that are important to me are leaving and I can't say goodbye. I hate living here.

I hate that my grandfather died only a couple of months after I'd seen him after being gone for 10 years. I never got to tell him he was important to me. I never got to tell him that his quiet example of simple pleasures and hard work are the model for my life. I never got to tell him a real good-bye.

I hate that so few of my extended family want to be a part of my life and that everyone thinks they have to choose sides in some imaginary battle that has no effect on any of them. I hate that by not choosing sides, I'm on the outside because if I'm not on the "right" side, I must be on the "wrong" side.

I hate things. Actually, I hate having too many things. Clutter. I hate clutter. Especially when I can't do anything about it. Well, I could, I could just throw all this shit out in the yard and have a bonfire. But until I finally get to the point where I snap and do that, it's just laying all over my house. Piled up, waiting to be "gone through". Some of this stuff has been waiting to be "gone through" since we moved from Iowa. It's just shit in boxes that we drag around with us. If we haven't used it in 10 years, then why do we need it?

I hate that I can't drive. I hate that I can't travel. I hate that I'm trapped in this house for days on end while almost everyone else gets to go out and have a life.

I hate that I'm filled with so much hate.

I'm still in denial, I think.

2010-10-16T16:38:00.000-06:00

I've had some bad days the last few days, but I've honestly been trying to keep myself busy and distracted so I don't have to think. I've thrown myself in to learning a new programming tool, playing a fantasy game, and napping.

And then I feel guilty, like I think I should be doing something, or at least feeling something. I mean, I feel... I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. And kicked again every time I think about it, so I just don't want to think about it.

And I feel guilty for not wanting to think about it.

And by not thinking about it, it's not real. It's just not real. And if it's not real, I don't have to feel it.

I just can't wrap my brain around it. I just want to feel numb, and I do, but I hate feeling numb because it's cold.

Am I making any sense? I don't want to feel it. I can't feel it right now. I don't know how to feel it right now.

Today

2010-10-14T06:57:00.000-06:00

Today is a hard day. The funeral is today. My mom basically ordered me to not to come. And she's right. Even though I maybe could have scraped scrounged begged borrowed and stole enough to get a plane ticket so I could be there, traveling is not something I do well and I would have been physically and not just emotionally a wreck when I got there. And we're going to have to travel in a few weeks anyway for the wedding, so in reality it just wasn't an option.

I am hoping that the service can be a time of healing for everyone. My mom and her siblings haven't gotten along so well in recent years. My brother has managed to isolate himself from everyone. I like to imagine them all coming together and talking and crying together and mending their relationships. But, sadly, it probably won't be anything like that. They will probably hug and shake hands and go on their separate ways and never talk to each other again. But here's hoping.

A letter. (Idea borrowed from my friend Chris)

2010-10-13T09:02:00.000-06:00

Dear God,

We love you and we praise you and always will. But right now, I really don't want to talk to you. In fact, I really don't want much to do with you at all. I'm mad. Mad as hell. I know your ways are higher than my ways, but really, come on. Every is always telling me about your lovingkindness and your greater plan, but really, honestly, would it have altered the course of the universe to just give us two more months?

I live by your word that you can work good through all things for those who love you. That has proven very true in many things in my life and I am thankful for that. I know in my heart that you don't cause pain and grief and suffering, those things are all results of bad human choices and you just let us wallow in our own crap. I understand that. But my grandfather was a good man. He lived a simple, quiet life, and honestly, he put up with a lot of crap from his kids and grandkids. He was finally in a place where he could relax and let others take care of him for once. But he didn't get that chance, at least not more than an afternoon.

I don't get it. Why not just a few more weeks? Why couldn't you just let him see his first great-grand child get married? Why couldn't you give me one more chance to connect with him and talk to him and tell him I love him?

He was important to me. I know I wasted the last 10 years living where I do, being so far away from family, but I had to do what I had to do to take care of my children. It was a choice, for better or worse. But it's cost me so much. There is so much of my life that I have learned from him, and I needed him, for just a little while longer, to help me with my life as it is now. Just a little longer. Why couldn't we make that happen?

You know I love you, even though I'm mad, right? You know I trust you, even though I'm furious right now, right? Ok. Just checking.

The only family I have left, besides my wife and children, who are a great blessing to me and I am thankful, but the only family I have left is my mom. My brother is lost to us. If you can help him reconnect with us, that would be great, but I don't see it happening. Help my mom, though. She's going to have some hard times. Help her husband to be understanding.

And help me, Lord, because I am not handling this well. I am completely crippled by this. What good are you going to bring out of this? I don't know. And right now, I really don't care. I know you see me down here just screaming at the sky. I know you know that I'm so far down that I have to cheer up just to feel miserable. Just to feel something. I'm mad at you for that. Mad that I should be loving this time, looking forward to my daughter's wedding, celebrating my kids' birthdays, the holidays, but all I feel is darkness, loneliness, and rage.

Just thought you should know.

Allen

ps. I still love you. But I'm going to be mad for awhile.

Time for a good rant

2010-09-23T12:27:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've been off on a good long rant. I think it's about time, don't you?

What's going on with you? you might ask. Well, not a whole lot. My daily routine mostly involves dealing with my pain, keeping the toddlers from destroying the house (most days I fail), trying to do some laundry now and then (most days I fail), counting my calories, eating right, and working out in the afternoons.

School is in full swing for the adults and kids in the house. Which means there's a lot going on. Especially my son, who is a senior. He's in JROTC and band and there is always something going on after school and on Saturdays. I videoed one of the band's routines. I've been trying to get it online, but I can't get YouTube to accept it. I think I'm going to have to find a way to serve it directly from the website.

Oh, yea, I built and manage the website for the school band. bhsbobcatband.org That was a lot of fun to put together. The director has been really great about giving me what I need. I'm also kind of their unofficial photographer. We're trying to make it kind of a social hub for the kids, so we'll see how it goes.

Speaking of websites, I also built and manage one for my church. sunrisechristiannm.org Which I am also the unofficial photographer for. I wish I had more strength and energy to turn both these sites into really great things, but I do what I can when I'm able and it's all volunteer work, so there's no money to be put into them except mine. (Which I'm glad to do, I just don't have very much to give.)

I've ranted at great length on this blog about my trials with health care and my views on what should happen as far as any legislation and so forth. Well, I'm still very opinionated about that, but my opinions don't mean a whole lot unless I act on them. We have an election coming up in a about a month or so and this is the time to stop all the whining and blogging and rallying and put your beliefs down on paper and make it known what should happen.

My health care woes are mostly over. If you haven't heard, my social security disability was approved. The biggest best part of it is that I now have health insurance including, and especially, prescription coverage. If you want to get into a debate about accepting public assistance, we can, but honestly, this is a huge blessing to my family and it takes a huge financial burden off of us. We have many back bills that aren't covered, so maybe now we can start working on those. I'd like to believe we could be out of debt within the next 10 years.

I really am not fond of the state the political arena is in for this upcoming election. So many people are extremely angry about a lot of things that they really have no concept of what it is they are angry about. The so called "ground zero mosque" for example.

Now, really, come on people. This country was founded on freedom. Freedom of religion being one of the cornerstones of that belief. Many people came to this country so they could be free to worship as they chose. Why on earth would anyone in politics be thinking in any way shape for form of using the government to put rules and restrictions on any religious group of any kind? The moment you open that door, you'll be sorry. First it's Muslims. Then Jews. How long before they come knocking on the doors of your church? Or, more likely, barging through them before locking them forever? If you are going to blame a religion for the choices of a few that happen to follow that belief system, then you better be prepared for all religions to be judged the same way, including yours.

One thing I really hate hearing is that this is a "Christian country". That's like saying you have a Christian car. A true Christian nation would be a theocracy. The nation of Israel, as described in what we call the Old Testament, was a theocracy. God was the head. All decisions and choices were brought to God and God told them how to do thing. America is not a theocracy. It never was. And it shouldn't be. It was set up as a democracy. The rule of the people, right or wrong, is the rule of the land. We need to elect people to office that will serve the best interests of the people they represent, regardless of what they believe. As a Christian myself, ideally, I would like all my elected officials to believe as I do and act according to their belief. But that's a slippery slope. Maybe my life as a Christian isn't the same as the life they lead as a Christian. This could turn into a very long rant, but my point is, just because someone claims to be of this group or that does not mean that they believe and follow everything that group represents, or should represent. The real judge of a politician is how are they representing the people who didn't vote for them? How are they representing the people who didn't vote at all? Using that as the ruler, how many of your current politicians should stay in office?

No more politics, because, frankly, I hate it. Politics in any situation is just f'ed up. The system is upside down and it can't be fixed. But it's the world we live in, so make the best of it. Vote. That's all I'm going to say.

What else is going on? I don't follow the news much other than a bit here or there that I get off the 'net. I try really hard to avoid TV news because it's become so opinionated that it's hard to find the facts in all the editorials. To be honest, unless it's something that is going to affect me or my family directly, I don't much care. Maybe that's wrong, and it's not an opinion that I have always held, or will probably always hold, but right now that's how I feel. I just want to live a simple quiet life. I already have so much pain and stress with my health and my kids that anything going on "out there" is just too much to deal with right now. I just want peace and quiet.

Peace. That's all I really want. Even in my "online" life. I don't have the strength or the energy for vampires and leeches that suck away my quietness; for anything that brings anger and frustration. I'm connected to a lot of people in multiple ways. Facebook, Twitter, various instant messaging programs, blogs, Skype, email,... lots of ways. But some people are just a drain on my sanity and peace.

Facebook, for example, has these annoying games. Farmville, Fish World, Mafia Land, and hundreds, if not thousands of others. I've blocked many of them, but every day there's a new one. I've tried to reconnect with old friends from high school and people I've known throughout the years. But many of them use Facebook only to play those games. And while I've blocked the game, their status updates and links and pictures are never about their life, they're about those stupid games. I don't have the energy to deal with a lot of updates and crap about those games, so I have removed those people from my friends list. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but if you don't want to talk to me, if you really don't want to connect with me, don't ask me to help you build your virtual barn. I want to talk to people, not hear about fake animals.

Simplify. That's my motto. One word. Simplify. If it complicates your life, whether it's a thing, or a person or a group, or whatever it is. If it takes away from your peace, remove it from your life. Simple as that. Don't worry about being kind or respectful or anything like that. You have to be ruthless. It's for your own health and sanity. Cut it out like cancer.

My own health has improved considerably. My stress level is way down, as is my weight. I've made some hard choices, many might call me un-Christ-like in the decisions I've made, but honestly, I think Christ wants me to live a quiet simple life following and serving Him and not being distracted by the minutia we have come to call life in America. I Thessalonians 4:11 - "...aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs..." Was the Apostle Paul's advice to the church of the Thessalonians, and I think it's great advice for today.

I've talked about it before. The worst thing about whatever it is that is wrong with me is the up and down nature of it. It goes in cycles where I will have less pain and be more productive for a week or two, then I'll go down. Often way down where I am simply miserable for weeks or months. It's been a good summer. Probably the most up time I've had in the last 3 or 4 years or however long this has been going on. I think a lot of that has had to do with exercising and changing my diet. I'd been hoping that the downs wouldn't be so far down any more. But I'm afraid that now I am headed into a bad time. I am trying to stay positive and keep moving and not let my spirit go down with my health, but it's getting hard to keep moving. It's hard to ignore the pain. But no one seems to get that. They're like " well, you looked fine the last I saw you". And I just want to say "Thank you for the compliment to my acting ability, but I can't act through it now, ok? So let me be in pain for a while. It will pass. Thanks for your non-concern."

The other day I had a good friend tell me that he appreciates how "real" I am in my blog posts, status updates, and generally my online life. It's true, I am more real online than I am in person. Why? I don't know. I guess I need to take my own advice and stop worrying about hurting other people's feeling. I am what I am, to quote Popeye. And why should I pretend to be what I'm not? Why should I put on a Pollyanna face and pretend that I'm happy and joyous in the Lord? Which I am, but that's a general state of being and not related to my mood. My mood is crappy. I feel crappy. So I should just be crappy, right?

I've said often that I hate people. I do. I would rather connect with some device between us rather than face to face in the real world. No offense, that's just the way I'm wired. The first time I talked to the girl that would be my wife was on a type writer. Much of the discussion in our early relationship took place on a chat program (long before AIM or anything else). And except for her, I really don't want to go out in public with anyone. I don't want to BE in public, or at least in a public setting where I have to talk to people. Some people tell me that's wrong, that I'm not really a Christian if I don't want to connect with "The Family". Well, it's not that I don't want to connect, I just don't want to connect in the real world. I'm not good at it. My fingers talk better than my mouth. My personality is only real in a virtual world. Is that weird and wrong? I don't care, that's just who I am.

And with that, I think I've ranted long enough. I'm way over due for a "hobby" post. I haven't found anything new and exciting that I'm interested in lately. My interests drift all around. I'm still into the techy stuff I've written about before, I just don't want to write about it again. When I find something new, I'll spew about it. Ok?

End of rant. Hailing frequencies closed.

Inalienable Right.... to burn things?

2010-09-14T10:20:00.002-06:00

So the story goes that this preacher at a tiny little church caused a major uproar by declaring that his church was going to burn Korans (or Qurans), the sacred text of followers of Islam, out of protest for the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque". On 9/11 no less. But, when the spit hit the spam, he backed off and said the book burning was canceled.

However, many people went forward with the burning. Posting videos on YouTube and essentially daring the terrorists to do something about it. Sad.

But you see all the time on the news videos of people in Iraq and other places burning the American flag. In Islamic states, such as Saudi Arabia, Bibles, the sacred texts of the followers of Christianity, are often confiscated and destroyed. So we're just getting back at them, right?

And, after all, if you bought something, you own it and you have the right to do what you want with it, as long as you are observing the local laws concerning open flames and littering. Right? That right is protected by the first amendment, isn't it?

Here in the 21st century, in the age of the Internet where our community is not only global, but also constantly open and visible, what is right and what is wrong? Where is the line between doing something stupid and doing something offensive?

The really sad part is that many who are so engaged in the "Ground Zero Mosque" debate, the one's who are burning the books, claim the title of Christian and claim again and again that the US is a Christian nation founded by Christians, and blah blah blah, Christian, blah blah blah. But then they totally ignore the number one (well number two) teaching of the Christ they claim to follow:

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Now that that we live in a global society, who is your neighbor? At what point do your exercising your rights violate your responsibility to your neighbors? Does your use of your inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness cause pain and anger in your community?

Ok, ranted out. Thanks.

Things I didn't know I missed.

2010-09-10T10:22:00.000-06:00

Since our recent trip back to the Midwest for my sister-in-law's wedding, we've been thinking more and more about moving back there. There's so much there that we didn't know we missed living out here in the desert, until we were there. Here's a few things I missed, and a few I didn't.

Things I didn't know I missed

Green Growing things

Cicadas
Humid air

Water

Things I didn't know I didn't miss

Green Growing things
Cicadas

Humid air
Water

There was this news video...

2010-09-10T08:20:00.000-06:00

I wish I could find it. About 9 years ago, in the aftermath of 9/11 when all of America was in a daze and no one knew what was going to happen, one of the networks aired a story that stuck with me. I don't remember which network, but if you know, let me know so I can post a link.

Anyway, the story was about a makeshift memorial that was taking shape in Central Park(?). Hundreds of people were coming by with sidewalk chalk and leaving messages on the sidewalk. Some were as simple as "God Bless", others were elaborate poems and pictures.

New York, having a very diverse population, had people of every nationality coming to the park to view the chalk memorial and to participate. By this time, it was known that Al Qeda was being blamed for the attacks. The TV network I mentioned wondered what would happen if they sent someone that looked "Islamic" to this memorial. They found a couple, I don't know if they were practicing Muslims or not, I think they worked for the TV station, the woman wore a head scarf and the man wore one of those skull caps, the cameras hid, and the couple waded into the crowd at Central Park.

The TV station also alerted the police and had their own security people close at hand in case things got ugly.

But things didn't get ugly. In fact, quite the contrary. As the couple wondered around, looking at the chalk writings and drawings, many people stopped to shake their hands, to talk to them. A very sad looking lady hugged them. Near a guitar player, they joined hands with other onlookers. When someone asked them to pray with her, they bowed their heads.

The tag line at the end of the video, the "parting thought" if you will, was something like "Here, at this memorial, everyone is an American."

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I wish it was still like that.

Pointless Ramblings for No Reason Other Than Entertaining Myself

2010-09-04T20:58:00.000-06:00

Allergies are evil. Actually, to clarify, allergens are evil because they seek out people who have allergies and do everything to make their lives miserable. Fall allergens are the worst. Specifically, fall allergens in norther New Mexico are the worst. I grew up in the Midwest where I suffered most of my life with allergies and nothing growing there has affected me as bad as whatever it is that is growing here.
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I hate being angry. Anger just makes me feel sick. Why anyone would want to live in a state of anger is beyond me. My goal in life is to live in peace with everyone and everything.

Unfortunately, I have children. More unfortunate, all those children have been/are/will be teenagers.
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I hate my computer. Granted, it's old and really does need to be retired, so it's not really its fault, but I hate it. I got so frustrated with all the errors and problems I was having with Windows XP that I formatted the hard drive and installed Ubuntu Linux. It seemed to work OK at first, but now it "stalls". For no apparent reason, it just stops. And, when working on the Internet, clicking a link works only about a tenth of the time.

I want to kill it with a hammer. Violently.
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I don't hate anyone. Well, not any individual person anyway. What I hate is stupid people. And intolerant people. And those who think they know "how things really are" based on little or no evidence.

Basically, I hate loud, bigoted people. Not so much that they are bigoted, they are free to believe what they want, but that they have to be loud about it.
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I don't hate atheists. Just for the record.
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Is it bad that I don't want to go to church? Well, not church in general, just the church I currently belong to. It's not a bad church, at least in terms of people. But I just don't feel like I belong there. When I'm there, I feel the same way I felt when I was in high school, that everyone is in on a private joke that I will never get.

It's probably not the church or the people there. It's probably me and my secret desire to live as a hermit.
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I love it when school starts. I also hate it when school starts. My kids are out of the house! But also my wife disappears until the following summer. When she's home, she's working working working on her homework, often until the wee hours of the morning.

I don't expect her to take care of me, or anything like that, I'd just like to have her to myself a few hours a week. Is that too much to ask?
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I hate where I live. I really do. We're talking about moving back to the midwest, but I don't know how we are going to pull it off. All our family is there, and there is really no reason to stay here. But I didn't really like it there either. I haven't been really happy living anywhere. Not since I was 18-19 living in the college dorm. I love my wife, I love my kids, I love my family, but I just can't find a geographic location that I can tolerate. Does that make sense?
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I often worry that I'm not as intelligent as people believe me to me. I often worry that, through no fault of my own, that people perceive me as fake and phony. That they are expecting more of my than I have to give and are holding that against me.

Reality Check

2010-08-28T17:45:00.002-06:00

This is all over the place. I know you know about, so there's no point in laying out the whole situation. But I found my self in a near debate over this so I'm going to write about it.

Ground Zero. A proposed mosque (or community center, or whatever they are calling it today) two blocks away http://is.gd/eG2GN. People are FREAKING OUT. "Ground Zero is hallowed ground", some say. "They hate America", others say. And many others say far worse. (Incidentally, there's a strip club about the same distance away as the proposed mosque. http://is.gd/eG2Ew )

This is a complex issue, or so it seems on the surface when you are talking about the Muslim religion, Al-Qaeda, terrorism, and so on.

But, honestly, it's really quite simple:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

And further:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

If we truly believe these things, if we are truly concerned about what is best for the country, then these have to apply to everyone, even those who don't believe these things, or want what's good for the country. We can't start saying "well, this doesn't apply in this case". Either it applies to everyone, or no one.

That's all there really is to it. All other talk, comments, discussions, are just in the way. It's not about how "their" religion views "my" religion, it's not about what happens "in that country" run by "that religion". It's about doing the right thing right here right now in THIS country.

And I, for one, think we need to stick by the principles outlined above, whether we agree with someone's point of view and level of patriotism or not.

On the road, three days so far. Kill me.

2010-08-04T08:51:00.000-06:00

We started this ordeal on Monday. It's now Wednesday. This was
supposed to take 12 hours. It's going to take 24. Probably more.

To be continued ...

Haven't had anything to write about.

2010-07-02T11:23:00.000-06:00

It's been a long time since I've picked a "topic of the day" like podcasting or amber alerts to write about. The truth is that lately I've been fixed on one topic and one alone: weight loss.

About a month ago I went to the doctor and he told me my cholesterol was "abnormally high". Like really bad. Like so bad I was lucky to be alive. Let's put it this way. There's a "normal" level, the high level is about double that, that's the level right before they put you on meds for it. My levels were double THAT. So not only are they high, they are double what high should be.

His advice? Lose 40 pounds, right now. Like immediately. My next appointment with him is 4 months from that first appointment. So I have until September to lose 40 pounds.

I've lost 15 so far. I've been chronicling my adventure on another blog: 40 in 4.

So forgive me if I haven't been communicating as much as I would like. I'd love to just blog all the time, but so much of my energy is focused on eating right and exercising that it doesn't leave much room in my brain for much else right now. Maybe once I get down to a normal weight I can focus on maintaining it and not obsessing over it.

For church today

2010-06-27T08:37:00.003-06:00

I wrote this for church today, thought it came out pretty good. I know some of you might appreciate it, so I'm sharing. Here ya go:

Our dear friend who is visiting us this weekend introduced us to a new hobby: geocaching. If you haven't heard of it, it's basically sort of a treasure hunt, designed to get you out into nature. those who place the caches or treasure leave the GPS coordinates of where it was placed and a hint on a website. the seeker uses a GPS device to get close to the location, then the hint to find it. The cache is usually some sort of container filled with trinkets that other treasure seekers have left. you are encouraged to leave your name (or a nick name) on a little log book and to leave something of your own. You are also free to take something in exchange as a souvenir.

As we were doing this, I discovered something about my youngest children. They are greedy little buggers. When we found these caches, filled with all these little plastic toys and trinkets, they just wanted to take them all and not leave any behind. Including the things our friend brought with her to leave there. It took some persuading and bargaining to get them to not take more than we were leaving.

We as adults can be like that sometimes. We work and strive for our own treasure, a paycheck, and think once we get it, it's all ours. But the bible tells us that God is the one that gives us the ability to work, that He is the one that put the treasure there for us to find. And it's our responsibility to put something back.

My new favorite T-shirt

2010-06-19T12:00:00.001-06:00

My lovely daughter got this for me!

I'm Officially Broken

2010-06-11T11:33:00.000-06:00

Well, it's official and I don't know how to feel about it. The government has acknowledged that I am broken and put me on Social Security disability.

It's a very long story, but the gist of it is, the company I worked for had a great disability insurance program that I didn't even realize I was paying into. When the stuff hit the fan, they started paying me a pretty good amount every month. However, they required that I apply for Social Security. I'm not exactly sure of all the ins and outs of it, but the way I understand it, they were loaning me the money that Social Security should be paying me. Now that it's all settled, they get all the back pay and they will continue to pay what Social Security doesn't so I continue to have the same income.

And that's where we're at. My hearing was successful and not I am officially stamped as broken.

How should I feel about this? On the one hand, this is a program I have paid into for 20+ years and the program is set up for just this kind of situation (or retirement), right? So I should be happy that it's there and take full advantage of everything it has to offer, right?

On the other hand, am I sponging off the government? The conservative side of me it telling me to suck it up and be a man and pull myself up by my bootstraps. But I don't wear boots. I can barely walk on some days. So am I taking advantage of a system that already has too many issues and should just take myself off it?

I know there are many that "play the system" and that makes people like me, who legitimately need help look bad. Nobody questions a senior citizen getting a Social Security check, but everyone looks crosseyed at someone under the aged of 65 (or 67 whatever it is now) getting one. Ever watch Judge Judy? She has a virtual parade of people who play the system and are living off Social Security. She often calls them on it. I don't want to be put in the same category as "those" people.

But here I am. 42, walking with a cane, often forgoing time with my wife and kids because my head hurts so bad. Now I'm on Social Security. I'm happy that my kids will be somewhat taken care of this way. But I'm just not thrilled with the whole idea of being officially broken.

My search story

2010-06-02T13:15:00.000-06:00

This seemed like fun, so I thought, why not?

The hole in the floor of Sears - a story

2010-05-22T13:49:00.001-06:00

It started the way these things always start, or would start if there was more of these things. A water line had broken at the mall and was spewing a huge geyser of water all over the lawnmower department at Sears. The building manager called in a repair crew that determined the shut off valve was somewhere under the Tvs. It turned out it was actually in the wall of the novelty store three shops down, but before they figured that out, they found The Hole.

The floor was made of huge tiles that were meant to be easy to remove in the event of just such an emergency. Just as the workers started to lift out the tile, the third from the wall in the middle of the room, they found the real shut of valve, but then it was too late.

All the science fiction movies made you believe that something like this should have some kind of glowing energy around it or that it should be just this black hole that you could only find out where it went if you went through it, but this was just.... there. It was like looking down into a lower story, only there was no lower story.

You simply looked down into Sandersen's clothing store. 1977.

Sandersen's closed in 1982 and was one of many small businesses, like the hardware store, the butcher shop, and Joe's tavern that were bulldozed to make room for the mall. In fact, those who were old enough to remember, said that Sandersen's stood where the Sears was now. And now, here it was, in it's prime, under the floor tiles.

Now at this point you might be thinking "oh, store survived and it was just covered up", but you'd be wrong. This was the real store, really operating in 1977. Looking down on it from above, you could see out the front windows to what was formerly known as Main Street. Mr. Sandersen's 1976 Red White and Blue Cadillac convertible proudly parallel parked by the front door. The workers in the store looking up just as confounded as those of us looking down.

Here's how it worked. Someone from our time could go down the hole and interact with the people in Sandersen's store. They could buy things and bring them back up the hole with them. However, even though they could see out the front windows, they couldn't go out the front door into the rest of the world in 1977. That is to say, they could try, but as they went through the door, they re-entered "now" and found themselves standing just to the left of the main mall entrance to Sears. People from 1977 couldn't go up the hole, though. Much to everyone's frustration, they found themselves stuck in the ceiling of Sandersen's in 1977 and a new hole had to made in the ceiling to let these poor folks out. Things could be brought from "now" into Sandersen's, but if someone tried to take them out the front door, they just vanished. Many people lost a lot of money trying to take large piles of iPods into 1977.

Of course the whole world was abuzz. For a little while, anyway. Many scientists and others made a lot of money on talk shows and lecture circuits and books and so on, but there's only so much you can say about a time portal to a clothing store in 1977. People quickly lost interest and life in our little town settled into a new pattern of normal.

70's clothing were the fashion rage for a very long time. Mostly due to the fact that they were extremely inexpensive compared to "now". Almost immediately, Mr. Sandersen figured out that modern currency would vanish when he tried to take it to the bank, so Sears happily set up a currency exchange in place of its television department, to make sure only 70's era cash was taken "down". They also happily charged a "service fee" to let you go through the hole, which made everyone angry since they didn't even bother to put in stairs or anything, just a rickety old ladder, but we all learned to live with it eventually and life went on.

But now we're worried. No one seems to remember when the Sandersens built that huge house just outside of town. No one remembers when Mr Sandersen, Jr. bought the mall, the used car lot, the movie theater, and the bowling alley. No one remembers electing a Sandersen to city council, the school board, and the Library committee. We hear that a Sandersen may be running for governor.

Maybe I should return these plaid pants.

The Dead Thing

2010-05-18T15:38:00.000-06:00

They had failed to realize it was dead. In fact, it seemed as if they didn't notice it all, large, rotting, and foul smelling as it was.

It was between them now. It's monstrous bulk lying between them, though they were in each others arms. It's matted brown hair up against her face, it's festering flesh right under his nose.

They didn't know when it had died. Neither of them seemed to care. They pretended as if it were still alive, trying to feed it every once in a while. But the truth was they had neglected it for so long that it had just passed away.

Later, it was with them at the dinner table. The kids knew it was dead and did their best to help their parents deal with it, but they didn't understand why it was still here or how to get rid of it. It was lying right in the middle of the table, stretched from Mom at one end to Dad at the other. Neither of them looking at it or at each other. As they passed around the meatloaf and potatoes, the kids did their best not to talk about it, but it was RIGHT THERE! How could their parents ignore it? It stunk.

They continued to act as if it were alive. That night it went with them to the movies. They tried to get it to move or react in some way, but it just sat there between them, separating them. It's grotesque appearance and odor was too much for some movie goers and they walked out. Others just tried to ignore it, thinking it was someone else's problem. But no one could ignore it.

When it was alive, it was around them, embracing them always, bringing them together in a way that was both magical and mysterious. It carried them when they needed to deal with problems, it shielded them when others tried to attack. Most of all, it drove them, gave their life meaning and purpose.

And now, here it was. Bloated, rotting, stinking...