How do I know? Why can't I know?

I've been reading a facinating auto-biography. Those of you in the Christian community with children will recognize the name. Or at least you'll recognize the company. Phil Vischer of Veggie Tales fame.

I won't go into details, many of which you can find at his blog (, but as I'm reading his story, I see what my story could have been. Phil and I are about the same age. We were born in the 60's, children in the 70's, teenagers in the 80's. We discovered computers long before everyone had one. We both dreamed of using that technology to do something creative.

Then our paths divereged. This is where I got angry and frustrated while reading, put the book down and spent the night in prayer, asking God "why" and "why not" and "why can't I". The issue wasn't so much jealousy. I don't honestly believe that I could have created Veggie Tales or anything like that, what got me was that Mr. Vischer, at an important point in his life got a clear call of what he was going to do and along the way got many clear messages that he was on the right track.

Now those of you who know his story will say "well, yes, but he crashed and burned". Well, yes, he did, but guess what, he's still doing what he was called to do. He lost his Veggies, but now he's got a new company to do basically the same thing. He's still on the path of his calling.

My question to God is, why can't I have that? Why can't I get a clear "calling" and be led on that path to do something for Him? I'm now almost 40 and I still don't have a purpose for my life. All I'm doing is existing, getting by, doing a job instead of a life-long mission. Everything I've attempted to do has turned to ash and dust. Things I thought I was supposed to do led to amazing failure, lost jobs and living on the edge of poverty.

Why God? Why would you give Him and others a mission and leave me hanging out here with all these children and no way to take care of them and no idea of what I'm supposed to do. Stumbling, fumbling from one job to another, failure after failure. Leaving my dreams behind thinking I'm doing what you want. Praying for one job or another, only to find that I've been led once again to something I can't do and once again to failure.

I know I should pray for Your will. And maybe I've asked for things I didn't really want and you let me have it to show me that I'm on the wrong path. But what is the right path? What IS your will? Why won't you tell me? What do you want me to do? Some people say you really don't care what I do as long as I do it for you, but I don't believe that. Why would you give some a "calling" and not everyone? Does God play favorites? I don't believe that. So you must have a calling for me. What is it? Why do you withhold it? I'm not talking about making money I'm talking about a purpose, a reason for being here.

And if I don't have a reason, then kill me. I can't stay here on this planet without a reason for living. Wondering around from job to job, barely getting by, without a purpose for the next 40 years or so, I can't do it. That's worse than death. If you love me, like your book claims you do, then you wouldn't do that to me. But so far you have. Why? Either lead me or kill me. Your choice because I can't continue like this.