My creative train has been derailed for a while, so I asked for inspiration. My lovely wife suggested I fantasize about what would be the best Christmas ever, anything goes. So here goes. Buckle up, this my get a little nuts.
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"Christmas eve! Christmas eve!" Micah was running through our luxurious hotel suite with his Mickey Mouse ears on sideways, wearing nothing else but his underpants. He was still learning to talk, so it came out as "Kwismas eeb! Kwismas eeb!" It was our fourth day of our two week Disney vacation, the day we all agreed would be completely laid back with as little walking as possible. The holiday would mean the parks would be packed anyway and we all wanted to so some shopping. The $750 million we had left of out lottery winnings after taxes wasn't going to spend itself.
"Kwismas eeb! Kwismas eeb!" The suite was actually 4 suites with adjoining rooms. The space was larger than his house, larger than 3 of his houses, at least until they signed on the new place when they got home later in the month.
A knock at the door. That would be our official Disney vacation wake up call. Grampy stumbled out of bed, his newly thin body, muscles rippling, gleamed majestically in the morning sunlight. Nana's early Christmas gift of fur-lined (fake fur, of course) boxer briefs accented his thin masculine frame.
The knock repeated. Grampy didn't bother with a robe, much the the dismay of his children and grand children, but he was proud he had lost 100 pounds. And why shouldn't he be? In his late 40s he was a total stud-muffin. They all wondered who it would be today, would it be Mickey? Goofy? Ariel the Mermaid?
Grampy threw the door open, inviting the character in without knowing who it was. He had forgotten that he had gotten to choose one of the wake up calls. From hidden speakers somewhere in the walls, the Star Wars theme suddenly started to play. Brandishing a blaster, Princess Leia, attired in her 'slave to Jabba the Hutt' costume, burst through the door, seemingly looking for Jabba's minions to blast. Seeing Grampy in his fur underwear, she assumed he was her hero. She rushed to his side, throwing her arms around him. The groans from the kids and grandkids were the exclamation point on Grampy's best wake up call ever.
After Princess Leia left, leaving the authentic blaster replica as a souvenir and a passionate kiss on the cheek for Grampy's memories, breakfast was delivered. Mountains of bacon, sausage, and pancakes. They didn't last long as the 20 or so people assembled set to devouring it. Grampy and Nana sat back and enjoyed the world's best coffee as their family milled about them.
Their shopping assistants arrived about half an hour later. The stretch limousines, 4 of them, waited for them just outside the hotel.
First stop, the newly opened FAO Schwartz, Orlando, to sign the ownership papers and confirm the delivery of 400 or so packages for the next morning. Then on to the custom electronics store to confirm the delivery of the 144 inch screen to their new vacation home in Hawaii.
Then it was lunch time. They had bought out The Mellow Mushroom for the best pizza in town and hired Aerosmith to play for their afternoon entertainment. Steven Tyler had invited his daughter Liv to join them. She was filming a new movie and came wearing a costume similar to that she wore in Lord of the Rings. Nana was not impressed with the attention Grampy gave her.
The afternoon was spent with George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg. Besides discussing their new movies, George also let them take turns flying his fully functional Millennium Falcon. The hyperdrive wasn't functioning properly, though, and they could only go once around Saturn's rings before having to come back.
For dinner they hired Gordon Ramsey to make steak. He was required by contract to refer to Grampy as "My Lord". The steak was amazing.
They spent the evening being entertained by holograms of Elvis and Marilyn Monroe. As the little ones scampered off to bed, North Pole elves tucked them in with live re-enactments of "The Night Before Christmas".
Santa came at midnight. The grownups were all having the time of their life. Santa stayed for a while and had hot wings and champagne.
Disney Princesses and Princes woke them the next morning, all dressed in their very finest costumes. The huge mountain of presents took most of the day to open. The turkey dinner, provided by Martha Stewart, again addressing Grampy as "My Lord" arrived at noon.
As they flew home that evening in their private 747, with entertainment provided by Justin Beiber for the girls in one cabin and the cast of Star Trek in the other for the guys, they call declared it was the best Christmas ever.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
More Facebook Cover Photos - for fun.
See my first set here.
I asked some friends for some quotes to turn into cover photos. Here are the results. Most are just a photo with a quote added, but others required a lot more work. Please enjoy.
(PS If you hold the copyright to any of the original images, please let me know and I will remove the offending image.)
I asked some friends for some quotes to turn into cover photos. Here are the results. Most are just a photo with a quote added, but others required a lot more work. Please enjoy.
(PS If you hold the copyright to any of the original images, please let me know and I will remove the offending image.)
This last one I wanted inspiration for a halloween theme so I asked for random scary things. The words I got back were "Birds, moths, clowns, Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Plan 9 from Outer Space, and radishes". Why radishes? I don't know, but I decided to have Boris (as Frankenstien's monster) eat the glowing radish of doom. Seemed appropriate.
Things I didn't know I missed.
Since our recent trip back to the Midwest for my sister-in-law's wedding, we've been thinking more and more about moving back there. There's so much there that we didn't know we missed living out here in the desert, until we were there. Here's a few things I missed, and a few I didn't.
Things I didn't know I missed
Things I didn't know I missed
- Green Growing things New Mexico is basically a desert. Even in town, the color green is pretty rare.
- Cicadas The musical whirring of their song is the background music to so many of my summer time memories. I never noticed how oddly quiet it seems without them surrounding and covering us in their singing.
- Humid air The air in the desert is dry. Very dry. So dry at times that it seems that exhaling
- Water Water is a precious commodity in the desert. There is no standing water anywhere, except the reservoirs which are dirty and sandy. In the Midwest, there are rivers and streams everywhere. When it rains, there are puddles that will last for days. If you dig in your back yard, you can have a well. Precious, life giving water, everywhere!
sucks all the moisture out of your body. Your lungs seem to be shriveling when you are outside in the heat. You have to keep water with you all the time so you don't die. In the Midwest, the air is heavy and wet. Breathing in seems to fill your body with life giving water, making your lungs feel more like full round fruit rather than dry, shriveled raisins.
- Green Growing things Things that grow produce pollen. Pollen is evil. My allergies are screaming for mercy. Often, when my eyes are swollen and my nose is so stuffed I can't breath, I think "Kill Me". Green things are evil.
- Cicadas
- Humid air In the desert, when the sun goes down, it gets cool, fast. Humidity holds the heat forever. It can be 103 in the day and 103 in the dead of night. And you can't sweat! It just drenches you and never really cools you! How can humans live like this?
- Water Every bit of standing water is covered in mosquitoes. They cover your body like
Stupid bugs buzzing all the time. How can anyone think with all this racket? How did I ever sleep at night with these things whirring all the time? Shut up already!
thousands of little vampires trying to suck the life out of you. And if you swat one, it explodes all over you leaving a nasty splatter of blood like something out of a Freddy Kruger movie. Yuck. Also, water makes the growing thing grow and contributes to the humid air, so generally speaking, water is probably the thing that I missed the least. Except that I'm very thirsty.
The hole in the floor of Sears - a story
It started the way these things always start, or would start if there was more of these things. A water line had broken at the mall and was spewing a huge geyser of water all over the lawnmower department at Sears. The building manager called in a repair crew that determined the shut off valve was somewhere under the Tvs. It turned out it was actually in the wall of the novelty store three shops down, but before they figured that out, they found The Hole.
The floor was made of huge tiles that were meant to be easy to remove in the event of just such an emergency. Just as the workers started to lift out the tile, the third from the wall in the middle of the room, they found the real shut of valve, but then it was too late.
All the science fiction movies made you believe that something like this should have some kind of glowing energy around it or that it should be just this black hole that you could only find out where it went if you went through it, but this was just.... there. It was like looking down into a lower story, only there was no lower story.
You simply looked down into Sandersen's clothing store. 1977.
Sandersen's closed in 1982 and was one of many small businesses, like the hardware store, the butcher shop, and Joe's tavern that were bulldozed to make room for the mall. In fact, those who were old enough to remember, said that Sandersen's stood where the Sears was now. And now, here it was, in it's prime, under the floor tiles.
Now at this point you might be thinking "oh, store survived and it was just covered up", but you'd be wrong. This was the real store, really operating in 1977. Looking down on it from above, you could see out the front windows to what was formerly known as Main Street. Mr. Sandersen's 1976 Red White and Blue Cadillac convertible proudly parallel parked by the front door. The workers in the store looking up just as confounded as those of us looking down.
Here's how it worked. Someone from our time could go down the hole and interact with the people in Sandersen's store. They could buy things and bring them back up the hole with them. However, even though they could see out the front windows, they couldn't go out the front door into the rest of the world in 1977. That is to say, they could try, but as they went through the door, they re-entered "now" and found themselves standing just to the left of the main mall entrance to Sears. People from 1977 couldn't go up the hole, though. Much to everyone's frustration, they found themselves stuck in the ceiling of Sandersen's in 1977 and a new hole had to made in the ceiling to let these poor folks out. Things could be brought from "now" into Sandersen's, but if someone tried to take them out the front door, they just vanished. Many people lost a lot of money trying to take large piles of iPods into 1977.
Of course the whole world was abuzz. For a little while, anyway. Many scientists and others made a lot of money on talk shows and lecture circuits and books and so on, but there's only so much you can say about a time portal to a clothing store in 1977. People quickly lost interest and life in our little town settled into a new pattern of normal.
70's clothing were the fashion rage for a very long time. Mostly due to the fact that they were extremely inexpensive compared to "now". Almost immediately, Mr. Sandersen figured out that modern currency would vanish when he tried to take it to the bank, so Sears happily set up a currency exchange in place of its television department, to make sure only 70's era cash was taken "down". They also happily charged a "service fee" to let you go through the hole, which made everyone angry since they didn't even bother to put in stairs or anything, just a rickety old ladder, but we all learned to live with it eventually and life went on.
But now we're worried. No one seems to remember when the Sandersens built that huge house just outside of town. No one remembers when Mr Sandersen, Jr. bought the mall, the used car lot, the movie theater, and the bowling alley. No one remembers electing a Sandersen to city council, the school board, and the Library committee. We hear that a Sandersen may be running for governor.
Maybe I should return these plaid pants.
All the science fiction movies made you believe that something like this should have some kind of glowing energy around it or that it should be just this black hole that you could only find out where it went if you went through it, but this was just.... there. It was like looking down into a lower story, only there was no lower story.
You simply looked down into Sandersen's clothing store. 1977.
Sandersen's closed in 1982 and was one of many small businesses, like the hardware store, the butcher shop, and Joe's tavern that were bulldozed to make room for the mall. In fact, those who were old enough to remember, said that Sandersen's stood where the Sears was now. And now, here it was, in it's prime, under the floor tiles.
Now at this point you might be thinking "oh, store survived and it was just covered up", but you'd be wrong. This was the real store, really operating in 1977. Looking down on it from above, you could see out the front windows to what was formerly known as Main Street. Mr. Sandersen's 1976 Red White and Blue Cadillac convertible proudly parallel parked by the front door. The workers in the store looking up just as confounded as those of us looking down.
Here's how it worked. Someone from our time could go down the hole and interact with the people in Sandersen's store. They could buy things and bring them back up the hole with them. However, even though they could see out the front windows, they couldn't go out the front door into the rest of the world in 1977. That is to say, they could try, but as they went through the door, they re-entered "now" and found themselves standing just to the left of the main mall entrance to Sears. People from 1977 couldn't go up the hole, though. Much to everyone's frustration, they found themselves stuck in the ceiling of Sandersen's in 1977 and a new hole had to made in the ceiling to let these poor folks out. Things could be brought from "now" into Sandersen's, but if someone tried to take them out the front door, they just vanished. Many people lost a lot of money trying to take large piles of iPods into 1977.
Of course the whole world was abuzz. For a little while, anyway. Many scientists and others made a lot of money on talk shows and lecture circuits and books and so on, but there's only so much you can say about a time portal to a clothing store in 1977. People quickly lost interest and life in our little town settled into a new pattern of normal.
70's clothing were the fashion rage for a very long time. Mostly due to the fact that they were extremely inexpensive compared to "now". Almost immediately, Mr. Sandersen figured out that modern currency would vanish when he tried to take it to the bank, so Sears happily set up a currency exchange in place of its television department, to make sure only 70's era cash was taken "down". They also happily charged a "service fee" to let you go through the hole, which made everyone angry since they didn't even bother to put in stairs or anything, just a rickety old ladder, but we all learned to live with it eventually and life went on.
But now we're worried. No one seems to remember when the Sandersens built that huge house just outside of town. No one remembers when Mr Sandersen, Jr. bought the mall, the used car lot, the movie theater, and the bowling alley. No one remembers electing a Sandersen to city council, the school board, and the Library committee. We hear that a Sandersen may be running for governor.
Maybe I should return these plaid pants.
Blogging on medication
I need to quit blogging under the influence of pain killers. The things I say used to make sense. I'll try to proofread before I hit "post" from now on.
Because you know when you try to say something that you haven't really thought through, ti can come out all floopy and gerflerbangened. It's like the time I tired to drive my car on a rado that I had never bnee on before and i thought the road kept going only it turned tinot thes farmer's parth through his cornfield. I was going about 50 (neber a good idea on a dirt road, but I suw stufig). and then suddenly the road ran out and it was a 4 foot dorp down into the cornfield. I pooped three tired and lost a muffler.
So the moral of the story is don't blog when you're about to fly into a cornfield because you may bot make sense.
Because you know when you try to say something that you haven't really thought through, ti can come out all floopy and gerflerbangened. It's like the time I tired to drive my car on a rado that I had never bnee on before and i thought the road kept going only it turned tinot thes farmer's parth through his cornfield. I was going about 50 (neber a good idea on a dirt road, but I suw stufig). and then suddenly the road ran out and it was a 4 foot dorp down into the cornfield. I pooped three tired and lost a muffler.
So the moral of the story is don't blog when you're about to fly into a cornfield because you may bot make sense.
It's not my fault.
Really, honestly it's not my fault. You see, here's how it is: First, I wasn't there, you see? But, what I HEARD was that, ok, see, what I heard was that, uh, my brother, you know how he is? That my brother, he was looking at it and you - I mean, of course it's not your fault, but you were way over there so that just left The Baby. Yeah, yeah, the Baby was here and that's when it happened...
What happened? Oh, you see, the uh, the, well first SHE started playing with that thing, then I tried to stop her - oh, yeah, it was later when I was gone, this was before... oh... ok, well, I was in the other room and I HEARD it. See, the dogs were barking so I couldn't hear and the Baby started to cry...
No? Ok, I'm getting to it... see, then the neighbor kids came in and told us they saw a flying saucer, so we all ran outside and the Baby and the dogs were in the house and that's when we heard it. I heard it. I was the only one that heard it.
And that's why there's ketchup on the ceiling.
(If you're a parent, this is the typical response you get to the question "how did this happen?")
What happened? Oh, you see, the uh, the, well first SHE started playing with that thing, then I tried to stop her - oh, yeah, it was later when I was gone, this was before... oh... ok, well, I was in the other room and I HEARD it. See, the dogs were barking so I couldn't hear and the Baby started to cry...
No? Ok, I'm getting to it... see, then the neighbor kids came in and told us they saw a flying saucer, so we all ran outside and the Baby and the dogs were in the house and that's when we heard it. I heard it. I was the only one that heard it.
And that's why there's ketchup on the ceiling.
(If you're a parent, this is the typical response you get to the question "how did this happen?")
JJ Abrams on the New Star Trek Movie: I Really Wanted to Confuse People
March 25th, 2009 - Building up the success of his extremely confusing TV series, Lost, writer/director/producer JJ Abrams has turned his talents toward the geek obsessed Star Trek franchise.
"I really just wanted to confuse people", replied Abrams, when asked about the inspiration behind his work.
"There have been many rumors about what the movie (Star Trek) is about, and none of them are right. The story is so complex and confusing that they (Star Trek fans) will just disappear into their little holes to over-analyze it. It'll be a great laugh."
Abrams has shown his skill at confusing and complex stories. His hit ABC
TV series, Lost is currently in production on it's 5th season. When asked about what makes the show a hit Abrams replied, "Don't ask me, it's all a joke. I laugh every time a new episode premiers. To think that millions of people out there are trying to make sense of it is just great. It's the biggest April Fool's joke ever!"
Trekkies the world over have had the blog abuzz for the last few years, speculating as to what the new movie could bring to the franchise. Many are fearing that the new story, featuring younger incarnations of the characters, will be too far outside of the canon of the universe that creator Gene Roddenberry began building in the late
'60s.
"I really don't know. I don't know anything about Star Trek", Abrams responded when asked about the fans' fears, "This movie is probably the most confusing thing I've created. It'll take them years to figure out that I really don't care about the story at all. I put in Vulcanians and Romuloos and a time machine, I figured that would at least get them to buy tickets."
Star Trek releases to theaters May 9th.
____________________________
Yes, this is a joke. Don't sue me.
"I really just wanted to confuse people", replied Abrams, when asked about the inspiration behind his work."There have been many rumors about what the movie (Star Trek) is about, and none of them are right. The story is so complex and confusing that they (Star Trek fans) will just disappear into their little holes to over-analyze it. It'll be a great laugh."
Abrams has shown his skill at confusing and complex stories. His hit ABC
TV series, Lost is currently in production on it's 5th season. When asked about what makes the show a hit Abrams replied, "Don't ask me, it's all a joke. I laugh every time a new episode premiers. To think that millions of people out there are trying to make sense of it is just great. It's the biggest April Fool's joke ever!"Trekkies the world over have had the blog abuzz for the last few years, speculating as to what the new movie could bring to the franchise. Many are fearing that the new story, featuring younger incarnations of the characters, will be too far outside of the canon of the universe that creator Gene Roddenberry began building in the late
'60s."I really don't know. I don't know anything about Star Trek", Abrams responded when asked about the fans' fears, "This movie is probably the most confusing thing I've created. It'll take them years to figure out that I really don't care about the story at all. I put in Vulcanians and Romuloos and a time machine, I figured that would at least get them to buy tickets."
Star Trek releases to theaters May 9th.
____________________________
Yes, this is a joke. Don't sue me.
Inspiration behind the campaign poster
In case you haven't heard the news, the creator of then Presidential candidate Obama's campaign poster is being sued by some news service claiming he based it on a photograph they owned.
I, however have found the real source of his inspiration.
Life, truly, imitates art. Or whatever.
I, however have found the real source of his inspiration.
Life, truly, imitates art. Or whatever.
What Was I Thinking
Since I got my iPod, almost 2 years ago, I've been steadily converting my cassettes to digital so I can put the songs on the iPod.
What I've found is I have really weird taste in music, or at least I used to.
How about this catchy tune:
Or how about this little ditty?
I don't even know what this one is:
Here's another one in German - I don't speak it well enough to have these songs:
And exactly what is this one?
And finally, just in case you were wondering if you could:
What I've found is I have really weird taste in music, or at least I used to.
How about this catchy tune:
Or how about this little ditty?
I don't even know what this one is:
Here's another one in German - I don't speak it well enough to have these songs:
And exactly what is this one?
And finally, just in case you were wondering if you could:
Goodbye...
Bye-bye President Bush. I'd say we'll miss you, but, .... well.... you know.
I will miss statements like "I am the decider" and "you misunderestimated me" and "mission accomplished".
Cheap Sunglasses!
Who is cooler?
ps. I won't mind if you pick Bono - he just might the the coolest guy ever.
Bono (President doesn't count one way or the other): | Joe Cool: | Me: |
 |  |  |
ps. I won't mind if you pick Bono - he just might the the coolest guy ever.
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