Another bad day

I started to feel it come on last night. It's a feeling that I can't really describe, but the closest I can get is that it's the physical equivalent of a storm front blocking out the sun, it gets dark and cold.

But it's also pain. It's not a sharp pain, but it's not dull either. It's like... shiny. Stinging. All over. It affects my mobility, my vision, my ability to think clearly, to talk clearly.

So I blog. It helps. It's helps me focus, it help distract me from the pain. It helps me vent my anger and frustrations and general not nicety-ness.

Here's a picture of a cow.

I really like my doctor, or I did until the last visit. He seemed really on top of things and then this last time it was like he didn't know what the heck we'd been talking about for the last two years. I wonder if he thinks I'm faking. He seemed really put out when I asked him to fill out the papers for the insurance this time. I don't know it was just really frustrating.

For now we're done with the bouncing around from one specialist to another. Most because we're out of money. None of them really seemed to care. Maybe they all think I'm faking it. I'm sure there are many that do. Maybe it's a big problem in this area and all of them are really leery of helping anyone because they've gotten burned. I don't know. It doesn't matter right now because I don't have health insurance, probably won't be able to get it ever again so it will be a long time before I get to see any more doctors.

Here's a picture of a cantaloupe.

My friend Adam linked something on his Facebook that was really good. It made me realize that maybe I am in mourning. Mourning for the death of the me that was. I think I'm stuck in that place of mourning where I just want to be left alone. The article also talks about being disappointed with the author's church, the one place that should understand mourning and be helping one to move past it. Instead the author found community in another place that helped her through the mourning process in a way that the church should have. I haven't found that yet, I think. I don't like going to church because it just seems so.... shallow. Not that the preacher's not good, not that the music isn't ok, not that the people aren't loving and caring, it's just not... family. It's just not community. I think I need to find that if I am going to get past this.

Here's a picture of a turtle eating a frog:

It's hard being a parent. We're in a place right now, with all our kids, where we are simultaneously dealing with an unemployed adult child, a college freshman, and potty training. All equally trying and stressful. You never stop being a parent. I still talk to my mother (not as much as I should!) about stuff. As I write this I'm chatting with her online about how to deal with something. I hope my kids do the same when they are older.

It seems like we've had so much crap come crashing down around us lately. We're overwhelmed in the parenting department. I know it will all pass , but it's just so much all at once. We're literally crushed by what all we have going on right now - so many unfinished projects that have had to be put on hold to deal with all this. We can barely walk through the house because of everything that's up in the air.

Here's a picture of something to eat, but I don't know what it is:

Ok. I've been rambling off and on for about 4 hours now. Maybe I should take some Tylenol and a nap.