You know, I'm just going to spill my guts here. Just going to dump it all out there and let it be what it is. If you want to read this, fine, otherwise I won't be hurt if you ignore it.
I really hate life right now. Really hate it. I hate that I am trapped in this body that doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I hate that my normal state of consciousness is like walking in a fog. A dark, soundless fog where everything I touch doesn't feel real. I hate that I deal with constant pain on a good day and crippling, please-kill-me, pain on bad days and wish-i-had-never-been-born pain on really bad days. I hate that sometimes I have to use one of those motorized buggies at the store and people look at me like I'm some kind of freak, or worse they ignore me and walk right in front of me or push me like they rule the freaking place. I hate that if I want to do anything new I have to go over the same material over and over and over again, even for the simplest thing, just to be able to get through the day, then go over and over the same stuff the next day because it fell out of my head during the night.
I hate that my kids have no respect for me anymore. They see their dad getting slower and weaker and instead of helping me, they ignore me and go and do what they want instead of what is asked of them.
I hate my church. I don't feel like I belong there. I can't connect with people there. The building itself is great, the preacher is good, the music has become really good, and for the most part the people are nice, but I don't have any friends there. I can't connect with these younger couples because I'm too old for them, and I can't connect with the older folks because I'm too young for them. And as a result, I'm just kind of on the outside looking in. And maybe it's just me, but it seems to me that someone should make an effort to reach out a little bit and make me feel like I belong instead of looking at me like the black sheep of the group. Yea, maybe I need a haircut, but is that a reason to treat me like a leper? Yea, I do kind of keep my distance from people, but church is the one place I should feel like I shouldn't have to do that, right?
I hate where I live. I moved to Denver, taking the first job that came along when I was done with college instead of waiting for something local. I trusted it would be for the best. 6 months later, I was let go and ended up working at Wal-Mart just so we could eat. Then I stayed in retail and took a job that brought me here, trusting it would be for the best. 3 years later, I'm disabled and trusting in Social Security to keep us fed. Meanwhile, our families are a thousand miles away and we're not part of their lives. 10 years we've been separated from our families, only making the trip back home this past summer. Now the people that are important to me are leaving and I can't say goodbye. I hate living here.
I hate that my grandfather died only a couple of months after I'd seen him after being gone for 10 years. I never got to tell him he was important to me. I never got to tell him that his quiet example of simple pleasures and hard work are the model for my life. I never got to tell him a real good-bye.
I hate that so few of my extended family want to be a part of my life and that everyone thinks they have to choose sides in some imaginary battle that has no effect on any of them. I hate that by not choosing sides, I'm on the outside because if I'm not on the "right" side, I must be on the "wrong" side.
I hate things. Actually, I hate having too many things. Clutter. I hate clutter. Especially when I can't do anything about it. Well, I could, I could just throw all this shit out in the yard and have a bonfire. But until I finally get to the point where I snap and do that, it's just laying all over my house. Piled up, waiting to be "gone through". Some of this stuff has been waiting to be "gone through" since we moved from Iowa. It's just shit in boxes that we drag around with us. If we haven't used it in 10 years, then why do we need it?
I hate that I can't drive. I hate that I can't travel. I hate that I'm trapped in this house for days on end while almost everyone else gets to go out and have a life.
I hate that I'm filled with so much hate.
