I'm still in denial, I think.

I've had some bad days the last few days, but I've honestly been trying to keep myself busy and distracted so I don't have to think. I've thrown myself in to learning a new programming tool, playing a fantasy game, and napping.

And then I feel guilty, like I think I should be doing something, or at least feeling something. I mean, I feel... I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. And kicked again every time I think about it, so I just don't want to think about it.

And I feel guilty for not wanting to think about it.

And by not thinking about it, it's not real. It's just not real. And if it's not real, I don't have to feel it.

I just can't wrap my brain around it. I just want to feel numb, and I do, but I hate feeling numb because it's cold.

Am I making any sense? I don't want to feel it. I can't feel it right now. I don't know how to feel it right now.