Dear God,
We love you and we praise you and always will. But right now, I really don't want to talk to you. In fact, I really don't want much to do with you at all. I'm mad. Mad as hell. I know your ways are higher than my ways, but really, come on. Every is always telling me about your lovingkindness and your greater plan, but really, honestly, would it have altered the course of the universe to just give us two more months?
I live by your word that you can work good through all things for those who love you. That has proven very true in many things in my life and I am thankful for that. I know in my heart that you don't cause pain and grief and suffering, those things are all results of bad human choices and you just let us wallow in our own crap. I understand that. But my grandfather was a good man. He lived a simple, quiet life, and honestly, he put up with a lot of crap from his kids and grandkids. He was finally in a place where he could relax and let others take care of him for once. But he didn't get that chance, at least not more than an afternoon.
I don't get it. Why not just a few more weeks? Why couldn't you just let him see his first great-grand child get married? Why couldn't you give me one more chance to connect with him and talk to him and tell him I love him?
He was important to me. I know I wasted the last 10 years living where I do, being so far away from family, but I had to do what I had to do to take care of my children. It was a choice, for better or worse. But it's cost me so much. There is so much of my life that I have learned from him, and I needed him, for just a little while longer, to help me with my life as it is now. Just a little longer. Why couldn't we make that happen?
You know I love you, even though I'm mad, right? You know I trust you, even though I'm furious right now, right? Ok. Just checking.
The only family I have left, besides my wife and children, who are a great blessing to me and I am thankful, but the only family I have left is my mom. My brother is lost to us. If you can help him reconnect with us, that would be great, but I don't see it happening. Help my mom, though. She's going to have some hard times. Help her husband to be understanding.
And help me, Lord, because I am not handling this well. I am completely crippled by this. What good are you going to bring out of this? I don't know. And right now, I really don't care. I know you see me down here just screaming at the sky. I know you know that I'm so far down that I have to cheer up just to feel miserable. Just to feel something. I'm mad at you for that. Mad that I should be loving this time, looking forward to my daughter's wedding, celebrating my kids' birthdays, the holidays, but all I feel is darkness, loneliness, and rage.
Just thought you should know.
Allen
ps. I still love you. But I'm going to be mad for awhile.
