There are many people who have reached out to me in friendship this year and due to my own insanity and eccentricities, I have not returned their friendship in the same capacity.
I'm sorry. If you want to be my friend, you've got to understand that I'm broken. Really broken. Circumstances through my life have left me emotionally burned and scarred. In spite of much of that stuff being in my distant past, it has bent my brain in a way that can't be unbent.
I'm afraid to get close. I'm afraid to open up. I'm afraid to be myself for fear that you will turn away in disgust.
The web gives me a way to be real. It's a shield, a wall that keeps me hidden, yet lets me speak. It should also be a way to connect, but when it comes to seeing my face or hearing my voice, I keep that door shut. Tightly. Why? I don't know. The thought of speaking or video chatting with someone twists me up inside. I fear it. I like being closed behind my wall. It's harder to get hurt behind here.
Even when it comes to forums, I find it hard to participate. I fear that I'll post something stupid. That people are laughing at me. That I will hurt someone's feelings if I share mine. It's happened before. It's safer to keep that door closed too. Sorry.
How can I get past all that? How can I be the friend that you people deserve? Part of me LONGS to be able to talk to people, to be real. But another part of me CRINGES.
If you read this, please don't mistake my psychosis as being uncaring. Just stick with me, ok?
