A few days ago I had a regular doctor's appointment. Technically I saw a PA (Physicians Assistant) but Bill is one of the most sympathetic, understanding people I know.
He was very concerned about my health and chronic issues, but we talked a lot about my depression issues and, for lack of a better term, my spiritual and intellectual health.
I left feeling energized. I really felt like it's time to look at things and really start doing something about how I spend my time and energy.
But here I am, three days later, and I'm still sitting on the bed, computer in my lap, wasting time on facebook and twitter and really not doing anything with myself.
I've been dealing with my pain and headaches and all the rest for about 12 years now. 12. Years. Things are in a place where the symptoms aren't getting worse - or at least not getting worse as rapidly they were. We seem to have things somewhat controlled. So it seems to be a perfect time to work on the intellectual and spiritual things.
So why can't I get out of this rut?
Over the course of the last 12 years I've started many little projects along the way. This blog, for one. Several other blogs, too, for that matter. Photography, videos, a youtube thing, trying to play guitar again, I started a book, a few coding project that I could never get to work, a box full of electronic parts and worn out computers waiting to be turned into something.....
I need to take these things out, dust them off, and see if any or it is worth working on or if it's time to dump them in the trash. Then maybe start something new. Or not. I don't know.
But I'm still here. in this rut.
And while on the one hand I feel a little energized to do something, I also feel really really TIRED. So freaking tired. And all the while my kids have to see me just sitting here, apparently stuck on the bed, struggling with the pain, yes, but also struggling to find meaning and purpose. And all the while being a failure as a father and person.
But I WANT to be better. I NEED to be better. I want to be a PERSON again.
I just can't move.